Garden State (2004)
Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
Andrew Largeman: This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better.
Sam: You're in it right now, aren't you?
Andrew Largeman: What?
Sam: My mom always says that, when she can see I'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and I'm looking at you're telling this story, and you're definitely in it.
Mark: The only thing worse than a favor is a favor involving money.
Sam: OK, so... so... sometimes I lie. I mean, I'm weird, man. About random stuff too, I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, Wow, that wasn't even remotely true.
Andrew Largeman: You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for one reason or another. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself, this is love... this is love.
Andrew Largeman: I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it.
Sam: You don't realize, this is good, this doesn't happen often in your life. We can work this stuff out. I want to help you, you know? We need each other...
Andrew Largeman: This isn't a conversation about this being over, it's, it's... I'm not, like, putting a period at the end of this, you know, I'm putting, like, an ellipsis on it, cause I'm- I'm- I'm worried that if I don't figure myself out, if I don't go like land on my own two feet, then I'm just gonna to mess this whole thing up, and this is too important. I gotta go... you changed my life in four days. This is the beginning of something really big. But right now, I gotta go.
Sam: What are you doing?
Andrew Largeman: Remember that idea I had, about working stuff out on my own, and then finding you once I worked stuff out?
Sam: The ellipsis?
Andrew Largeman: Yeah, the ellipsis, it's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. I'm not gonna do it, okay? Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you... I think that's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I'm really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?
Sam: Yeah. Yes!
Andrew Largeman: So what do we do? What do we do?
Sam: That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.
Sam: This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing.
Andrew Largeman: Hey Albert
Albert: Yeah?
Andrew Largeman: Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.
Albert: Thank you, and Hey, you too
Andrew Largeman: Safe... when I'm with you I feel so safe... like I'm home.
Atonement (2007)
Robbie Turner: ...if all we have rests in a few moments in a library three and a half years ago, then I don't know... I don't...
Robbie Turner: [voiceover] Dearest Cecilia, the story can resume. The one I had been planning on that evening walk. I can become again the man who once crossed the surrey park at dusk, in my best suit, swaggering on the promise of life. The man who, with the clarity of passion, made love to you in the library. The story can resume. I will return. Find you, love you, marry you and live without shame.
Cecilia Tallis: [crying] I don't know how I could've been so ignorant about myself... so... so stupid. And you know what I'm talking about, don't you? You knew before I did.
Robbie Turner: Why're you crying?
Cecilia Tallis: Don't you know?
Robbie Turner: Yes, I know exactly.
[kisses her]
Older Briony: So, my sister and Robbie were never able to have the time together they both so longed for... and deserved. Which ever since I've... ever since I've always felt I prevented. But what sense of hope or satisfaction could a reader derive from an ending like that? So in the book, I wanted to give Robbie and Cecilia what they lost out on in life. I'd like to think this isn't weakness or... evasion... but a final act of kindness. I gave them their happiness.
So I don't have too many quotes from Atonement and I'm not sure if I'd say that it's one of my favorites, but I was touched by it and for the first time in a long time I left the movie with something to think about. For anyone who has not seen the movie I'd say scroll down for in this next bit I will no doubtably ruin the ending for you. This whole blog today I'd really just like to focus on happiness and what exactly that is or could be. As a change of pace I'll start with atonement cause there's an element that's so still fresh as a fixture in my head. How long can we hold on to something even after something horrible has separated it from us or us from it. Is there any point in holding onto it? I ask this for anyone that's read a couple of these blogs so far as I have a repeating motif in many of them and the fact that I'm writing them is essentially so I can get back to me with no distractions from who I was before I felt something that ripped my world apart. In atonement Robbie and Ceicialia fall in love and it's the kind of love I'm sure many of us can relate to. One of those not so much said loves that the whole time your thinking why do I feel like this until it overflows and you can't help it anymore. From the moment of that realization they were split apart. And Robbie just holds onto it till his death. Even though I couldn't find the quote Older Briony whose the author of this story before the quote that I did find says something to the affect of what is the truth except complete and excrusiating agony. The audience doesn't want that, I'd say no body wants that. So what use or water does the truth actually hold. In other films especially knight or war movies man takes a whole lot of satisfation in truth, honor, and justice. But does he take happiness from it?
I'm seriously starting to doubt the usefullness and fulfilling life when it comes to truth. Now this could very well just be me, part of this lovely phase of depression/recouping that I'm going through right now but I'm wondering as I clear my way through these clouds that have darkened my days what changes should I and could I make to pursue happiness. This whole weekend I was completely numb, feelingless, exhuasted but well slept. At one point it felt as if I had no past and no future. That allowed me to live only for the moment. No regrets and no plans to speak of, a clean slate if you will. Well that and the fact that I'm not really talking to anyone. This blog is getting a whole hell of a lot more deeper blog writer than any living soul at this moment. I'd chose happiness over truthfulness I think. This statement is something that will take at least another month to overcome. Honesty has been a large part of my life until now overcoming it will be a battle. I don't believe anyone that really accepts the truth and can carry the burden of most truths is happy. Most truths don't just demand action but they inspire reactions.
Garden State is a perfect example. It's slow to uncover the truth of the situations that have led Andrew Largeman to even step foot back in the garden state, let alone his slow subtle realization of the world and it's people around him. And the relationships they have. Most of his life has been lived off a single situation that happened years ago. The truth of that situation holding him prisoner until now. Literally medicating his happiness away. I know I hold onto terrible things more so then the good things. It's easier to hold onto bad shit that's happened and what's worse is even if u let go of the bad shit that's happened I think it's already altered your behavior. Me pondering whether or not I should countinue to be as honest as I have, altering my behavior. Hardly ever do I remember all the factors that gave me something good, something that I appreciated, something or someone I loved. But I can almost completely recall the events and conversations that led up to bad shit happening. And once that bad shit has happened, it sets a pace for how I can alter the future so it never happens again. Whether that be speaking my mind less, trusting people less, or straight up not giving a fuck.
Which btw at the openning of garden state is exactly where Andrew is. He's got nothing that identifies him as an individual, he's got a medicine cabinet which right about now I wish I had, and he's just going through the motions of living but not actually taking part. I feel that and it's not until he comes home and is forced to deal with all this that he gets the will to just live ya know. It is striking how completely insensitive one person can become when their just making their way through a day without any awareness in the least of other people. I know this cause I'm living this. There's a line that I appreciate soooo much "You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." To add to this statement since I don't have any prospects at the moment to make this imaginary place, without it all you have is right of passage. Maybe that happiness I'm philosopizing about is in the moment where you have gotten your right of passage and your accepted for either being you, like yourself how u are with anyone everytime, or your one of them, anyone your able to lie, act, or pretend to be like to gain that acceptance.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
How Wonderful Life is now you're in the world & Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love
Love Actually (2003)
Prime Minister: Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspision love actually is all around.
Jamie: I'm so late.
Jamie's Girlfriend: It's just 'round the corner, you'll make it.
Jamie: Are you sure you don't mind me going without you?
Jamie's Girlfriend: No, really, I'm just feeling so rotten.
Jamie: I love you.
Jamie's Girlfriend: I know.
Jamie: I love you even when you're sick and look disgusting.
Jamie's Girlfriend: I know. Now go or you will actually miss it.
Jamie: Right. Did I mention that I love you?
Jamie's Girlfriend: Yes you did. Get out, loser!
Aurelia: [in Portguese] I will miss you. And your very slow typing... and your very bad driving.
Sam: But you know the thing about romance is people only get together right at the very end.
Daniel: Tell her that you love her.
Sam: No way. Anyway, they fly tonight.
Daniel: Even better! Sam, you've got nothin' to lose, and you'll always regret it if you don't.
Karen: True love lasts a lifetime.
Mark: With any luck, by next year - I'll be going out with one of these girls.
[shows pictures of beautiful supermodels]
Mark: But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you - Until you look like this
[picture of a mummy]
Mark: Merry Christmas
Jamie: Beautiful Aurelia, I've come here with a view of asking you to marriage me. I know I seems an insane person - because I hardly knows you - but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof. And I will inhabit here, or you can inhabit with me in England.
Sophia Barros: Definitely go for England, girl. You'll meet Prince William - then you can marry him instead.
Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
Sam: You really want to know?
Daniel: I really want to know.
Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?
Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.
Sam: Okay. Well, the truth is... actually... I'm in love.
Daniel: Sorry?
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: [laughs] Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
Sam: No.
Daniel: Oh, well, okay, right. Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved.
Sam: Why?
Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse.
Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony.
Karen: Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if worst of all it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?
Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool.
[Karl has given Sarah a lift home after the Christmas party. They are standing on her doorstep]
Karl: Well, I-I'd better go.
Sarah: Okay.
Karl: Goodnight.
Sarah: Goodnight.
[he gives her a quick peck on the cheek, then they begin to kiss passionately]
Karl: Actually, I don't *have* to go.
Sarah: Right. Good.
Karl: I mean...
Sarah: No-no that's good. Just, um, would you excuse me for one second? Just...
Karl: Sure.
[she moves round the corner, out of sight of Karl, dances a little jig for joy, then returns]
Sarah: Um, okay, that's done. Um, why don't you come upstairs in about ten seconds.
Jamie: [in English] It's my favorite time of day, driving you.
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] It's the saddest part of my day, leaving you.
Sam: Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.
Karen: Get a grip, people hate sissies. No-one's ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time.
Daniel: You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over 'til it's over.
Moulin Rouge! (2001)
Toulouse-Lautrec: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
Christian: I owe you nothing. And you are nothing to me. Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love.
Christian: [voiceover and typing] Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. And then, one not-so-very special day, I went to my typewriter, I sat down, and I wrote our story. A story about a time, a story about a place, a story about the people. But above all things, a story about love. A love that will live forever.
Christian: Can't fall in love? But a life without love, that's terrible.
Christian: It's a little bit funny.
Satine: What?
Christian: This feeling inside. I'm not one of those who can easily hide. Is this ok? Is this what you want?
Satine: Ah, poetry. Yes, this it what I want naughty words.
Christian: I don't have much money but boy if I did, I'd buy a big house where we both could live. If I were a sculptor, but then again, no. Or a man who makes potions a traveling show. I know it's not much...
Satine: Oh Naughty, don't stop, don't stop.
Christian: But it's the best I can do.
[sings]
Christian: My gift is my song. And this one's for you. And You Can Tell Everybody That this is your song. It may be quite simple but now that it's done. I hope u don't mind I hope You don't mind That I put down in words... How Wonderful Life is now you're in the world
Argentinean: Never fall in love with a woman who sells herself. It always ends bad.
Zidler: Send Christian away.
Satine: He will fight for me.
Zidler: Unless he believes that you don't love him.
Satine: What?
Zidler: You're a great actress, Satine. Make him believe that you don't love him.
Satine: No!
Zidler: Hurt him, Satine. Hurt him to save him. There is no other way. The show mustgo on. We are creatures of the underworld. We can't afford to love.
Satine: I can't believe it. I'm in love. I'm in love with a young, handsome, talented duke.
Christian: Duke?
Satine: Not that the title's important, of course.
Christian: I'm not a duke.
Satine: Not a duke?
Christian: I'm a writer.
Satine: A writer?
Christian: Then I'll write a song and we'll put it in the show and whenever you sing it or hear it. Or whistle or hum it then you'll know. It'll mean that we love one another.
Satine: [singing] Never knew I could feel like this. Like I've never seen the sky before. Want to vanish inside your kiss, every day I'm loving you more and more. Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing? Come back to me- and forgive everything.
Satine: Seasons may change, winter to spring... I love you 'til the end of time.
Satine: [crying] I couldn't, I saw you there and I couldn't, I don't want to pretend anymore, I don't want to lie. I don't want to... but the duke he saw, he saw
Christian: That's alright, you don't have to pretend anymore. We'll leave, we'll leave tonight
Satine: Leave...? But the show!
Christian: I don't care about the show. We have each other. That's all that matters
Christian: [singing] Why does my heart cry? Feelings I can't fight... you're free to leave me, but just don't deceive me, and please believe me when I say I love you!
Christian: [singing] His eyes upon your face. His hand upon your hand. His lips caress your skin. It's more than I can stand!
I'd like to take today to talk about passion, devoted connection, chemistry, romance and love. I woke up with it on my mind this morning with no one specifically on my mind. Just the feeling and it stayed with me till now. I've been studying love my whole life, I'll have my doctorate by 30 I guarentee it. In my journey love has been so cut and dry, like this is how I feel and think about it. It's not one with out the other, even as it exists in me in the actual moment of realization. I still don't want to have sex or even hook up with someone unless I know I'm in love with them. Hopefully I can recognize if their in love with me. But that love in you alone is like being drunk with desire sometimes. Sometimes, I have complete self-control cause there's a duality in that as well, ya know? And the balence of the two, knowing your in love and feeling your in love, to me is probably where I'm the most centered. However thinking I'm in love like what's been going for months now but not really feeling I'm in love, totally F'en unhealthy. It's goin away though, been in this situation of thinking I am but not feeling I am many times. Time will heal this, except of coarse if I see her. I can only know in that moment if my moves till now have been in vain or not. If the metal plate in my chest has actually covered the weakest entry point to my soul. Anyways on the other hand if I feel like I'm in love but don't think I'm in love, I know that's straight up desire and lust. My brain functions much more than my intuition on this matter. Which gives me the availibility to tease whoever I feel this for until I know. The balence of the two is what I've sought and will always seek I believe. Which is how I know within the first interaction if there's a future for us our not. Chemistry.
I've done a whole lot of writing in my life, a whole lot, and I got a whole lot more to do. So when it comes to writing descriptively about what I'd like to do to someone I'm interested in trust me it'll get you wet! It always does, that's experience talken btw. But the most interesting thing about that is I aim to satisfy and please, the longer I can hold out cumming the better it's gonna feel for me in the end, with that said my words aren't fiction. Whatever I write, if you knew me like that, you'd realize I'm the real fucken deal, and there wasn't and never will be any exaggeration when it comes to that department. If you want to be forced into it or raped essentially, I ain't the guy for you. I take my time and try to find every single orgasmic zone on your body, delicately, sensitively, with care and composure savoring as much of your existence as possible. You can't deny the difference between having sex with someone to scratch an itch and making love to someone who understands the meaning of it. I do. I don't know a lot about a variety of things, but I know this and I refuse anything less than it. There is no competition for what I am availible to give. But there is plenty of competition for what people are capable of taking.
Love actually puts chemistry down so elliquently. I know a moment ago I was speaking of the act or the thing that most people think is simple, really no thought needed. But trust me when you see the whole picture, when it's not just a want of attention, or sex, or affection. It turns into a need for that individual person and the emotional availibility of them. The way that people communicate their vulnerabilities has this inviting innocense that isn't weathered by time or experience. The communication of it is definitely weathered a bit but if you notice the specific details such as body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions you see it's still so much similiar to when you were young and everything you can sense and feel with that person is so fresh and so new. This person isn't just a piece of meat that your body yearns to touch but it's something magical and indescribable. Something that you feel and keep feeling all to yourself until it completely fills you up and you need to share it. I react to vulnerability with sympathy, caring, and compassion. I know now as I've always known that that is one of the most beautiful things you can be around to share. A thing that wouldn't be found in anything else(besides kick ass movies of coarse). That thing is worth cherishing, cause it ain't gonna come along to often. So when you have it or better yet it's giving itself to you, cradle it. Take care of it. If it's well taken care of it'll be more availible and it'll grow inside of you.
In the closing words of Love Actually, is so true. If I thought I were dying or would die tommarrow I'd call everyone I ever loved and just try to communicate that I loved them. That my little time on this planet they seriously meant the world to me. Why do I gotta wait till I'm dieing? Good question blog writer.... ponder that why don't cha. It's worth pondering but probably really hard to say without the premise of "I was watching "Love Actually" and I was thinking that if I hadn't said it, I wanted to tell you that I loved you the deepest I've ever loved and I just wanted to tell you" (the blog writer quickly hangs up the phone without letting them even reply for fear of what would be said). I think I've done this before. Where everything that has happened drifts away and the only important thing is telling your love, that you love them.
In moulin rouge, you think it's going to go that way, ya know, where christian's charachter is going to get pushed over the edge with infidelity. But it doesn't, why? Because she loves him. Because she couldn't bear to hurt him that deep. It's not so deep when you say the words, there just words. Words can't control you. Well they might be able to control you or make you reactive or something, but actions, actions are an undeniable knife that'll stay stuck where ever it's stabbed u. I seriously wonder if Saline went through the act of infidelity, if christian would hold onto that "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return". But that was true love, who could do that to their true love? Not I. True love is one of those things that when you got it and you believe in it, it carries you. Seriously, jealousy, isn't true love. It's not cause in true love there is a bond of trust. That bond should be unbreakable. For true love that is, other forms or premises of love don't really apply to this blog writer. With that said cherish your love, make them a fixture of those most beautiful thing that you could be apart of, without pride lay down all your vulnerability and emotional availibity cause if you can do that the rewards are unimagineable.
Prime Minister: Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspision love actually is all around.
Jamie: I'm so late.
Jamie's Girlfriend: It's just 'round the corner, you'll make it.
Jamie: Are you sure you don't mind me going without you?
Jamie's Girlfriend: No, really, I'm just feeling so rotten.
Jamie: I love you.
Jamie's Girlfriend: I know.
Jamie: I love you even when you're sick and look disgusting.
Jamie's Girlfriend: I know. Now go or you will actually miss it.
Jamie: Right. Did I mention that I love you?
Jamie's Girlfriend: Yes you did. Get out, loser!
Aurelia: [in Portguese] I will miss you. And your very slow typing... and your very bad driving.
Sam: But you know the thing about romance is people only get together right at the very end.
Daniel: Tell her that you love her.
Sam: No way. Anyway, they fly tonight.
Daniel: Even better! Sam, you've got nothin' to lose, and you'll always regret it if you don't.
Karen: True love lasts a lifetime.
Mark: With any luck, by next year - I'll be going out with one of these girls.
[shows pictures of beautiful supermodels]
Mark: But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you - Until you look like this
[picture of a mummy]
Mark: Merry Christmas
Jamie: Beautiful Aurelia, I've come here with a view of asking you to marriage me. I know I seems an insane person - because I hardly knows you - but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof. And I will inhabit here, or you can inhabit with me in England.
Sophia Barros: Definitely go for England, girl. You'll meet Prince William - then you can marry him instead.
Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
Sam: You really want to know?
Daniel: I really want to know.
Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?
Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.
Sam: Okay. Well, the truth is... actually... I'm in love.
Daniel: Sorry?
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: [laughs] Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
Sam: No.
Daniel: Oh, well, okay, right. Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved.
Sam: Why?
Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse.
Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony.
Karen: Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if worst of all it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?
Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool.
[Karl has given Sarah a lift home after the Christmas party. They are standing on her doorstep]
Karl: Well, I-I'd better go.
Sarah: Okay.
Karl: Goodnight.
Sarah: Goodnight.
[he gives her a quick peck on the cheek, then they begin to kiss passionately]
Karl: Actually, I don't *have* to go.
Sarah: Right. Good.
Karl: I mean...
Sarah: No-no that's good. Just, um, would you excuse me for one second? Just...
Karl: Sure.
[she moves round the corner, out of sight of Karl, dances a little jig for joy, then returns]
Sarah: Um, okay, that's done. Um, why don't you come upstairs in about ten seconds.
Jamie: [in English] It's my favorite time of day, driving you.
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] It's the saddest part of my day, leaving you.
Sam: Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.
Karen: Get a grip, people hate sissies. No-one's ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time.
Daniel: You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over 'til it's over.
Moulin Rouge! (2001)
Toulouse-Lautrec: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
Christian: I owe you nothing. And you are nothing to me. Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love.
Christian: [voiceover and typing] Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. And then, one not-so-very special day, I went to my typewriter, I sat down, and I wrote our story. A story about a time, a story about a place, a story about the people. But above all things, a story about love. A love that will live forever.
Christian: Can't fall in love? But a life without love, that's terrible.
Christian: It's a little bit funny.
Satine: What?
Christian: This feeling inside. I'm not one of those who can easily hide. Is this ok? Is this what you want?
Satine: Ah, poetry. Yes, this it what I want naughty words.
Christian: I don't have much money but boy if I did, I'd buy a big house where we both could live. If I were a sculptor, but then again, no. Or a man who makes potions a traveling show. I know it's not much...
Satine: Oh Naughty, don't stop, don't stop.
Christian: But it's the best I can do.
[sings]
Christian: My gift is my song. And this one's for you. And You Can Tell Everybody That this is your song. It may be quite simple but now that it's done. I hope u don't mind I hope You don't mind That I put down in words... How Wonderful Life is now you're in the world
Argentinean: Never fall in love with a woman who sells herself. It always ends bad.
Zidler: Send Christian away.
Satine: He will fight for me.
Zidler: Unless he believes that you don't love him.
Satine: What?
Zidler: You're a great actress, Satine. Make him believe that you don't love him.
Satine: No!
Zidler: Hurt him, Satine. Hurt him to save him. There is no other way. The show mustgo on. We are creatures of the underworld. We can't afford to love.
Satine: I can't believe it. I'm in love. I'm in love with a young, handsome, talented duke.
Christian: Duke?
Satine: Not that the title's important, of course.
Christian: I'm not a duke.
Satine: Not a duke?
Christian: I'm a writer.
Satine: A writer?
Christian: Then I'll write a song and we'll put it in the show and whenever you sing it or hear it. Or whistle or hum it then you'll know. It'll mean that we love one another.
Satine: [singing] Never knew I could feel like this. Like I've never seen the sky before. Want to vanish inside your kiss, every day I'm loving you more and more. Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing? Come back to me- and forgive everything.
Satine: Seasons may change, winter to spring... I love you 'til the end of time.
Satine: [crying] I couldn't, I saw you there and I couldn't, I don't want to pretend anymore, I don't want to lie. I don't want to... but the duke he saw, he saw
Christian: That's alright, you don't have to pretend anymore. We'll leave, we'll leave tonight
Satine: Leave...? But the show!
Christian: I don't care about the show. We have each other. That's all that matters
Christian: [singing] Why does my heart cry? Feelings I can't fight... you're free to leave me, but just don't deceive me, and please believe me when I say I love you!
Christian: [singing] His eyes upon your face. His hand upon your hand. His lips caress your skin. It's more than I can stand!
I'd like to take today to talk about passion, devoted connection, chemistry, romance and love. I woke up with it on my mind this morning with no one specifically on my mind. Just the feeling and it stayed with me till now. I've been studying love my whole life, I'll have my doctorate by 30 I guarentee it. In my journey love has been so cut and dry, like this is how I feel and think about it. It's not one with out the other, even as it exists in me in the actual moment of realization. I still don't want to have sex or even hook up with someone unless I know I'm in love with them. Hopefully I can recognize if their in love with me. But that love in you alone is like being drunk with desire sometimes. Sometimes, I have complete self-control cause there's a duality in that as well, ya know? And the balence of the two, knowing your in love and feeling your in love, to me is probably where I'm the most centered. However thinking I'm in love like what's been going for months now but not really feeling I'm in love, totally F'en unhealthy. It's goin away though, been in this situation of thinking I am but not feeling I am many times. Time will heal this, except of coarse if I see her. I can only know in that moment if my moves till now have been in vain or not. If the metal plate in my chest has actually covered the weakest entry point to my soul. Anyways on the other hand if I feel like I'm in love but don't think I'm in love, I know that's straight up desire and lust. My brain functions much more than my intuition on this matter. Which gives me the availibility to tease whoever I feel this for until I know. The balence of the two is what I've sought and will always seek I believe. Which is how I know within the first interaction if there's a future for us our not. Chemistry.
I've done a whole lot of writing in my life, a whole lot, and I got a whole lot more to do. So when it comes to writing descriptively about what I'd like to do to someone I'm interested in trust me it'll get you wet! It always does, that's experience talken btw. But the most interesting thing about that is I aim to satisfy and please, the longer I can hold out cumming the better it's gonna feel for me in the end, with that said my words aren't fiction. Whatever I write, if you knew me like that, you'd realize I'm the real fucken deal, and there wasn't and never will be any exaggeration when it comes to that department. If you want to be forced into it or raped essentially, I ain't the guy for you. I take my time and try to find every single orgasmic zone on your body, delicately, sensitively, with care and composure savoring as much of your existence as possible. You can't deny the difference between having sex with someone to scratch an itch and making love to someone who understands the meaning of it. I do. I don't know a lot about a variety of things, but I know this and I refuse anything less than it. There is no competition for what I am availible to give. But there is plenty of competition for what people are capable of taking.
Love actually puts chemistry down so elliquently. I know a moment ago I was speaking of the act or the thing that most people think is simple, really no thought needed. But trust me when you see the whole picture, when it's not just a want of attention, or sex, or affection. It turns into a need for that individual person and the emotional availibility of them. The way that people communicate their vulnerabilities has this inviting innocense that isn't weathered by time or experience. The communication of it is definitely weathered a bit but if you notice the specific details such as body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions you see it's still so much similiar to when you were young and everything you can sense and feel with that person is so fresh and so new. This person isn't just a piece of meat that your body yearns to touch but it's something magical and indescribable. Something that you feel and keep feeling all to yourself until it completely fills you up and you need to share it. I react to vulnerability with sympathy, caring, and compassion. I know now as I've always known that that is one of the most beautiful things you can be around to share. A thing that wouldn't be found in anything else(besides kick ass movies of coarse). That thing is worth cherishing, cause it ain't gonna come along to often. So when you have it or better yet it's giving itself to you, cradle it. Take care of it. If it's well taken care of it'll be more availible and it'll grow inside of you.
In the closing words of Love Actually, is so true. If I thought I were dying or would die tommarrow I'd call everyone I ever loved and just try to communicate that I loved them. That my little time on this planet they seriously meant the world to me. Why do I gotta wait till I'm dieing? Good question blog writer.... ponder that why don't cha. It's worth pondering but probably really hard to say without the premise of "I was watching "Love Actually" and I was thinking that if I hadn't said it, I wanted to tell you that I loved you the deepest I've ever loved and I just wanted to tell you" (the blog writer quickly hangs up the phone without letting them even reply for fear of what would be said). I think I've done this before. Where everything that has happened drifts away and the only important thing is telling your love, that you love them.
In moulin rouge, you think it's going to go that way, ya know, where christian's charachter is going to get pushed over the edge with infidelity. But it doesn't, why? Because she loves him. Because she couldn't bear to hurt him that deep. It's not so deep when you say the words, there just words. Words can't control you. Well they might be able to control you or make you reactive or something, but actions, actions are an undeniable knife that'll stay stuck where ever it's stabbed u. I seriously wonder if Saline went through the act of infidelity, if christian would hold onto that "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return". But that was true love, who could do that to their true love? Not I. True love is one of those things that when you got it and you believe in it, it carries you. Seriously, jealousy, isn't true love. It's not cause in true love there is a bond of trust. That bond should be unbreakable. For true love that is, other forms or premises of love don't really apply to this blog writer. With that said cherish your love, make them a fixture of those most beautiful thing that you could be apart of, without pride lay down all your vulnerability and emotional availibity cause if you can do that the rewards are unimagineable.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
It's the question that drives us
The Matrix (1999)
Trinity: I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Neo. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.
Neo: What is the Matrix?
Trinity: The answer is out there, Neo, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
Morpheus: If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain
Morpheus: The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.
Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Spoon boy: There is no spoon.
Neo: There is no spoon?
Spoon boy: Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.
Morpheus: I'm trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it.
Morpheus: I know *exactly* what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Neo: I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.
Equilibrium (2002)
Father: Prozium - The great nepenthe. Opiate of our masses. Glue of our great society. Salve and salvation, it has delivered us from pathos, from sorrow, the deepest chasms of melancholy and hate. With it, we anesthetize grief, annihilate jealousy, obliterate rage. Those sister impulses towards joy, love, and elation are anesthetized in stride, we accept as fair sacrifice. For we embrace Prozium in its unifying fullness and all that it has done to make us great.
DuPont: In the first years of the 21st century, a third World War broke out. Those of us who survived knew mankind could never survive a fourth; that our own volatile natures could simply no longer be risked. So we have created a new arm of the law: The Grammaton Cleric, whose sole task it is to seek out and eradicate the true source of man's inhumanity to man - his ability to feel.
Mary: Let me ask you something.
[Grabs his hand]
Mary: Why are you alive?
John Preston: [Breaks free] I'm alive... I live... to safeguard the continuity of this great society. To serve Libria.
Mary: It's circular. You exist to continue your existence. What's the point?
John Preston: What's the point of your existence?
Mary: To feel. 'Cause you've never done it, you can never know it. But it's as vital as breath. And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock... ticking.
Partridge :But I being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet, tread softly because you tread on my dreams. (reading "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven" - W.B. Yeats)
I assume you dream Preston?
It's just a vestigial word for a feeling you've never felt.
DuPont: It's not the message that is important but our obedience to it.
The biggest issue I have with not feeling and becoming as cold, cruel, and uncaring as this world would like me to be is where will that leave my dreams. Will I even have dreams if I can teach myself not to feel. Not to grow attached to anyone or anything. I fear the future. That fear is indeed human, right. No one can tell the future but isn't it human to be afraid of what may come. What has already happened repeating itself. What's to be learned needs to be learned for that bigger better future. I question myself what's been learned. What exactly have a learned about A. having feelings that involve the environment around me, B. Are those feelings reciprocated?, C. What exactly is that risk? Which brings me to the matrix. Whether there is or is not a matrix that we're plugged into literally or just the social control norms of being in one is gonna be hard to prove or prove not. But regardless like Morpheous says, I believe it to be true. Someone can show you the door but only you can decide to walk through. For me I think this door is a personal question can I let go of hope, honor, ethics, morals, that are bi-products in my disney, catholic, boyscout head. I don't think these social norms that I learned when I was younger are in fact benefitting me. But I still fear very much walking through the metaphorical door of no tommarrow. If I did that everything would change. I still think I can make a difference in this world. Excepting that I can not and everyone is 100% out for themselves and only themselves makes all this look so ugly.
Like in equilibrium, without these feelings, breathe is merely a clock tic tocing your existence away. I think the closest I could come to not caring is accepting that no one else is gonna care. But I chose to still care but at no point should I expose that to anyone else which seems extremely problematic when thinking about a concept of truth. Now if you take out the concept of truth it would work like clock work. I lie so badly, perhaps I should practice more. Positivity, right isn't that essentially brainwashing yourself. Your emotions are there to tell you something, aren't they. Like your needs, if u totally disregard them and start feeding yourself confidence and this positivity is it really genuine?
When I watched the Matrix again last night I was trying to pin point all of the lines and plot points that are metaphors for our existence. Equilibrium even more so cause in the matrix once neo is out there's a solid separation between it, the people who are still plugged in, and the agents (control) now in equilibrium Cleric is always there and the only point that changes is his life from his perspective when he stops taking the medication prozium that stops people from feeling. Come to think of it I think we're gonna stay with this topic for a bit. This kinda control duality is totally what my trilogy is gonna be about, on a much different unifying element that dies a little more everyday. Jumped past myself for a bit there. Neo and cleric both have a change, I think Cleric's is much more apparent. I wish just for a bit, me, the blog writer, could go through the opposite change, and I might at some point I heard Wellbutrin, ritilin, and prozac do wonders for over emotional people. There's one scene in Equilibrium where Cleric wakes up after being a day or 2 off his prozium. He hears rain on his covered window and out of curiousity goes to the window and starts scratching the plastic off to expose the beautiful sunrise on the city which is like most sunrises for any of us, fucking breath-taking. And he's like oh fuck I'm feeling and rushes into the bathroom to get his fix when he realizes damn I'm good looking and he accepts that these feelings aren't about wrong or right they just are. Kinda makes you wonder whose been going around labelling all this shit for so long. Some of it just is, ya know. Most of them are I like this or I don't like this and sitting thinking about them might help. But like that one scene in the Matrix 2 where the meravingian is talking about that chick whose eating chocolate cake. And she cums from it, he says everything in the universe is just totally out of control.
I embrace that out of control. If you know when things have gotten out of control it's really simple to see who and what has control or who and what. And that scares me as well to keep thinking the way I have. I really don't like control. I will buck almost anyone who tries to put a saddle on me and ride my wild ass around. Just sitting here thinking, there's no answer for contrast. These are big ideas. Control, right and wrong, ying and yang, is there in actuality balence? Ever? There's moderation, you can moderate yourself in attempts to create balence but I ask is that feeling. It'll keep that whole out of control thing in check but will it keep that whole feeling and having a fulfilling challenging experience full life in check. Doesn't our charachter or soul get tested by out of control experiences. Furthermore can you moderate out of control? Lots of questions in this blog. "It's the question that drives us". Still unsure about giving up my controls. I'm gonna look at this door for a bit before I walk right through. Purpose, will walking through this door get me closer to purpose? For the moment I'm good and premising whether in fact hope has helped or purpose should be the driving force from now on. He steps toward the door and puts a hand on the knob.
Trinity: I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Neo. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.
Neo: What is the Matrix?
Trinity: The answer is out there, Neo, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
Morpheus: If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain
Morpheus: The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.
Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Spoon boy: There is no spoon.
Neo: There is no spoon?
Spoon boy: Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.
Morpheus: I'm trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it.
Morpheus: I know *exactly* what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Neo: I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.
Equilibrium (2002)
Father: Prozium - The great nepenthe. Opiate of our masses. Glue of our great society. Salve and salvation, it has delivered us from pathos, from sorrow, the deepest chasms of melancholy and hate. With it, we anesthetize grief, annihilate jealousy, obliterate rage. Those sister impulses towards joy, love, and elation are anesthetized in stride, we accept as fair sacrifice. For we embrace Prozium in its unifying fullness and all that it has done to make us great.
DuPont: In the first years of the 21st century, a third World War broke out. Those of us who survived knew mankind could never survive a fourth; that our own volatile natures could simply no longer be risked. So we have created a new arm of the law: The Grammaton Cleric, whose sole task it is to seek out and eradicate the true source of man's inhumanity to man - his ability to feel.
Mary: Let me ask you something.
[Grabs his hand]
Mary: Why are you alive?
John Preston: [Breaks free] I'm alive... I live... to safeguard the continuity of this great society. To serve Libria.
Mary: It's circular. You exist to continue your existence. What's the point?
John Preston: What's the point of your existence?
Mary: To feel. 'Cause you've never done it, you can never know it. But it's as vital as breath. And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock... ticking.
Partridge :But I being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet, tread softly because you tread on my dreams. (reading "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven" - W.B. Yeats)
I assume you dream Preston?
It's just a vestigial word for a feeling you've never felt.
DuPont: It's not the message that is important but our obedience to it.
The biggest issue I have with not feeling and becoming as cold, cruel, and uncaring as this world would like me to be is where will that leave my dreams. Will I even have dreams if I can teach myself not to feel. Not to grow attached to anyone or anything. I fear the future. That fear is indeed human, right. No one can tell the future but isn't it human to be afraid of what may come. What has already happened repeating itself. What's to be learned needs to be learned for that bigger better future. I question myself what's been learned. What exactly have a learned about A. having feelings that involve the environment around me, B. Are those feelings reciprocated?, C. What exactly is that risk? Which brings me to the matrix. Whether there is or is not a matrix that we're plugged into literally or just the social control norms of being in one is gonna be hard to prove or prove not. But regardless like Morpheous says, I believe it to be true. Someone can show you the door but only you can decide to walk through. For me I think this door is a personal question can I let go of hope, honor, ethics, morals, that are bi-products in my disney, catholic, boyscout head. I don't think these social norms that I learned when I was younger are in fact benefitting me. But I still fear very much walking through the metaphorical door of no tommarrow. If I did that everything would change. I still think I can make a difference in this world. Excepting that I can not and everyone is 100% out for themselves and only themselves makes all this look so ugly.
Like in equilibrium, without these feelings, breathe is merely a clock tic tocing your existence away. I think the closest I could come to not caring is accepting that no one else is gonna care. But I chose to still care but at no point should I expose that to anyone else which seems extremely problematic when thinking about a concept of truth. Now if you take out the concept of truth it would work like clock work. I lie so badly, perhaps I should practice more. Positivity, right isn't that essentially brainwashing yourself. Your emotions are there to tell you something, aren't they. Like your needs, if u totally disregard them and start feeding yourself confidence and this positivity is it really genuine?
When I watched the Matrix again last night I was trying to pin point all of the lines and plot points that are metaphors for our existence. Equilibrium even more so cause in the matrix once neo is out there's a solid separation between it, the people who are still plugged in, and the agents (control) now in equilibrium Cleric is always there and the only point that changes is his life from his perspective when he stops taking the medication prozium that stops people from feeling. Come to think of it I think we're gonna stay with this topic for a bit. This kinda control duality is totally what my trilogy is gonna be about, on a much different unifying element that dies a little more everyday. Jumped past myself for a bit there. Neo and cleric both have a change, I think Cleric's is much more apparent. I wish just for a bit, me, the blog writer, could go through the opposite change, and I might at some point I heard Wellbutrin, ritilin, and prozac do wonders for over emotional people. There's one scene in Equilibrium where Cleric wakes up after being a day or 2 off his prozium. He hears rain on his covered window and out of curiousity goes to the window and starts scratching the plastic off to expose the beautiful sunrise on the city which is like most sunrises for any of us, fucking breath-taking. And he's like oh fuck I'm feeling and rushes into the bathroom to get his fix when he realizes damn I'm good looking and he accepts that these feelings aren't about wrong or right they just are. Kinda makes you wonder whose been going around labelling all this shit for so long. Some of it just is, ya know. Most of them are I like this or I don't like this and sitting thinking about them might help. But like that one scene in the Matrix 2 where the meravingian is talking about that chick whose eating chocolate cake. And she cums from it, he says everything in the universe is just totally out of control.
I embrace that out of control. If you know when things have gotten out of control it's really simple to see who and what has control or who and what. And that scares me as well to keep thinking the way I have. I really don't like control. I will buck almost anyone who tries to put a saddle on me and ride my wild ass around. Just sitting here thinking, there's no answer for contrast. These are big ideas. Control, right and wrong, ying and yang, is there in actuality balence? Ever? There's moderation, you can moderate yourself in attempts to create balence but I ask is that feeling. It'll keep that whole out of control thing in check but will it keep that whole feeling and having a fulfilling challenging experience full life in check. Doesn't our charachter or soul get tested by out of control experiences. Furthermore can you moderate out of control? Lots of questions in this blog. "It's the question that drives us". Still unsure about giving up my controls. I'm gonna look at this door for a bit before I walk right through. Purpose, will walking through this door get me closer to purpose? For the moment I'm good and premising whether in fact hope has helped or purpose should be the driving force from now on. He steps toward the door and puts a hand on the knob.
Friday, January 18, 2008
From The Inside Looking Out
Pleasantville (1998):
David: I know you miss her, I mean, you told me you did. But maybe it's not just the cooking or the cleaning that you miss. Maybe it's something else. Maybe you can't even describe it. Maybe you only know it when it's gone. Maybe it's like there's a whole piece of you that's missing, too. Look at her, Dad. Doesn't she look pretty like that? Doesn't she look just as beautiful as the first time you met her? Do you really want her back the way she was? Doesn't she look wonderful? Now, don't you wish you could tell her that?
Bill Johnson: It's just... where am I going to see colors like that?
Big Bob: [bangs the gavel] You're out of order!
David: Why am I out of order?
[approaches Big Bob]
Big Bob: Because I'm not gonna let you turn this courtroom into a circus!
David: Well, I don't think it's a circus, and I don't think they do, either.
[David turns to look at the crowd, where many of the black-and-white people are changing into color. There are gasps and murmurs. Jennifer grins]
Big Bob: [bangs the gavel] This behavior must stop at once.
David: But see? That's just the point! It can't stop at once, because it's in you, and you can't stop something that's inside you.
Big Bob: It is not inside *me*!
David: [amused] Oh, sure it is.
Big Bob: No, it is not!
David: [Leans forward and speaks confidentially with a mischievous grin] What do you want to do to me right now? Come on. Everyone is turning colors. Kids are making out in the street. No one is getting their dinner.
[Raises his voice for all to hear]
David: Hell, you could have a flood any minute! Pretty soon, the women could be going off to work, while the men stayed at home and cooked!
Big Bob: That is not going to happen!
David: [with defiant delight] But it *could* happen!
Big Bob: [enraged] *No, it could not!*
[Big Bob suddenly turns pink, and David grins victoriously]
Maltshop Guy: What's outside of Pleasantville?
David: Oh, it doesn't matter.
Margaret Henderson: What's outside of Pleasantville?
[pause]
David: There are some places that the road doesn't go in a circle. There are some places where the road keeps going.
Margaret Henderson: Keeps going?
David: Yeah, yeah. It just keeps going. It all keeps going.
George Parker: What happened? One minute, everything's fine... What went wrong?
David: Nothing went wrong. People change.
George Parker: People change?
David: Yeah, people change.
George Parker: Can they change back?
David: [grins] I don't know. I think it's harder.
The Truman Show (1998)
Christof: We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented.
[Truman attempts to leave his town and a convoy of cars pulls in front of him to block his exit]
Truman Burbank: Blocked at every turn. Beautifully synchronized, don't you agree?
Meryl: You're blaming me for the traffic?
Truman Burbank: Should I?
Meryl: Truman, let's go home.
Truman Burbank: You're right. We could be stuck here for hours. It could be like this all the way to Atlantic City. Let's go back. I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me.
Meryl: Truman, can you slow down?
Truman Burbank: Yes, I can.
Meryl: Truman. Truman, that's our turnoff.
Truman Burbank: I changed my mind. What's New Orleans like this time of year? Mardi Gras, woooooo! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hoo hoo hoo! Whoooohoo! Look, Meryl! Same road, no cars. It's magic! Hahaha!
Meryl: You let me out, Truman. You're not right in the head. You want to destroy yourself you do it on your own.
Truman Burbank: I think I'd like a little company.
Truman Burbank: Somebody help me, I'm being spontaneous!
Truman Burbank: Was anything real?
Christof: You were real. That's what made you so good to watch...
Christof: If his was more than just a vague ambition, if he was absolutely determined to discover the truth, there's no way we could prevent him.
Christof: We've become bored with watching actors give us phony emotions. We are tired of pyrotechnics and special effects. While the world he inhabits is, in some respects, counterfeit, there's nothing fake about Truman himself. No scripts, no cue cards. It isn't always Shakespeare, but it's genuine. It's a life.
Christof: I know you better than you know yourself.
Truman: You never had a camera in my head!
I heard this really dope track by paramore called Misery Business and as soon as I got that kick ass music vibe in me I thought, you know who'd really like this song. That's how I know the storm is clearing it ain't totally gone, fucking feelings dictate so much of words and actions, this right here, perfect example, but it's a good feeling, which I want to drive me more than the bad. That's me, and my needs, I need to take a good feeling and ride it like a killer wave and if that pipeline stretches 4 miles, so be it. I'll run with it. I'm not sure if u are even interested in surfing, maybe u'd prefer knee board those small ass little waves by the beach and there's nothing wrong with that. Knee boarding or body boarding is a much safer shorter ride. There's no shame in knee boarding. But if the time comes to take up a long board and try to harness the power of a 10 footer, u gotta know everyone wipes hardcore when they first get started. When you surf you can go surfing with someone but your the only one standing on that surf board when a gnarly wave comes and if your friend your surfing with is more experienced then you, you should really stay out of their way. You'll learn a lot by watching how they handle the wave as well. But it's still totally up to you and how your feeling about whether or not you wanna do that or you can believe you can do that.
There is a solid line between friendship and romance. That line is affection. I tested that line early on in my vacation it was a solid line. My friend is a friend. It bothers me that someone so persuasive is so easily influenced. At the end of my vacation that line was blurred. I need that line. I need it to be a solid black line or green line. When it becomes blurred, that is my cue to exit. I take light for inspiration from others and life all the time. I'm gonna try to make my own light from here on out cause taking others is dangerous. Don't get me wrong, I like trouble, but I like it because it creates climactic change, because it's cathartic metamorphasis of truth and growth. Some would say that's drama but I think drama is a battle of wants or desires instead of actual climactic change (learned that shit the hard way). Drama is created by a slew of verbal diahera, personality discrepencies, and baggage by all parties included and all it takes is a stage or confrontation to bring it alive. I'm strong enough to handle the winds of change and I need to grow mentally, physically, and spiritually for a better me, no other reason. I have honor, if your not sure what that means, look it up. I'm not going to lose that for anyone. In my opinion that's the best virtue I have, it encombuses a variety of elements that through out history I've admired. Mostly in leaders and martyr's. I'd rather be a leader than a martyr but my big fat honest mouth gets me in trouble and it might get me shot, who knows.
Todays movies I believe express proactiveness against hardcore opposition. First off Pleasantville completely exemplifies contrast in it's deepest roots. I love it. Change in a truly supersaturated rainbow of color. This life is totally black and white with out emotions. That affection thing, often I feel the right and wrong get blurred from attraction. Blurring that black and white, right and wrong, into a greyish mess of whatever seriously seriously affects the color of everything. So the charachters start changing from black and white into color when they're true to themselves and ride that feeling, so much that even anger drives a charachter to change. Or the mother for example whose starts wearing white make up and clothes to hide the change of color and emotion inside her cause she knows that change makes her a target for hate. Yeah we're pushing on to the 23rd century and people still fear and hate what's different. Sometimes I really wonder if people could step out of themselves for a moment, especially when it comes to their children. Can't you seriously ask yourself well what did I think about this life that I've lived do I want to bring up my kids in it? If not or if u could change stuff why aren't u moven on that. Why isn't that message promoted as much as let's saY propaganda to keep that kinda black and white systematic control of gender roles, how one lives there life, and that subtle prejudice of difference. Someones really gonna have to stand up and say something profound, it might be me, I hate oppression.
Now for the fakest of the fake. Could you imagine living Truman's life. It really makes you wonder how your experiences dictate who you'll become and what you'll do. The Truman show would so have 4 or 5 more seasons if Truman didn't wanna break free of his prison and travel. That prison in pleasantville as well is control. How many ways do we try to control our environment, or job, the people we "love", it's some deep shit. We got remote controls, cars that no one else has a right to drive the way they want while we are driving the way we want. There's signs, directions, protocal, and mis-information, all trying to get us to move in the same way, a kind of herding, like get along little doggies and do what everyone is doing. I liked Truman more than the conventional battles of this control like the matrix, even though I loves the matrix so much, but I'll come back to it guarenteed. Truman's struggle is within himself just as much as it's "the world that's blind folded us from the truth" that you are a slave neo, born into bondage.... silly silly blog writer... later. Contrast of control verses spontinaity is different in the truman show, it's different in truman himself, could you imagine the paranoia of this world being completely fake and all your friends and family being in actuality there to take what they wanted from u. Fucking scary. I'd wanna run to Fiji too. I sorta do anyway. What I loved about the change in Truman is when the creator and us the audience see truman's moved into the basement sleeping, u think he's accepted that he's being controlled and instead he totally F'en disappears. When they find him the creator challenges him with death. That my friends is a challenge I have yet to be faced with and a challenge like that would definitely expose true color and worth of an individual.
"Never underestimate the power of denial"
"Do you know why law school is so long and such a bitch? Cause it takes long study to grasp how to say the right thing to the right people at the right time. What's the right thing? It's a message that tears it all down and lays a seed for how it will be from here on out. Change, real undeniable change."
"Passion is important to have and express with injustices not inadequacies"
“In order to have true friendship you must look past the color to the soul, because within the soul lies a rainbow of many colors.”
“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.”
“The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.”
“The only faith that wears well and holds its color in all weathers, is that which is woven of conviction and set with the sharp mordant of experience”
David: I know you miss her, I mean, you told me you did. But maybe it's not just the cooking or the cleaning that you miss. Maybe it's something else. Maybe you can't even describe it. Maybe you only know it when it's gone. Maybe it's like there's a whole piece of you that's missing, too. Look at her, Dad. Doesn't she look pretty like that? Doesn't she look just as beautiful as the first time you met her? Do you really want her back the way she was? Doesn't she look wonderful? Now, don't you wish you could tell her that?
Bill Johnson: It's just... where am I going to see colors like that?
Big Bob: [bangs the gavel] You're out of order!
David: Why am I out of order?
[approaches Big Bob]
Big Bob: Because I'm not gonna let you turn this courtroom into a circus!
David: Well, I don't think it's a circus, and I don't think they do, either.
[David turns to look at the crowd, where many of the black-and-white people are changing into color. There are gasps and murmurs. Jennifer grins]
Big Bob: [bangs the gavel] This behavior must stop at once.
David: But see? That's just the point! It can't stop at once, because it's in you, and you can't stop something that's inside you.
Big Bob: It is not inside *me*!
David: [amused] Oh, sure it is.
Big Bob: No, it is not!
David: [Leans forward and speaks confidentially with a mischievous grin] What do you want to do to me right now? Come on. Everyone is turning colors. Kids are making out in the street. No one is getting their dinner.
[Raises his voice for all to hear]
David: Hell, you could have a flood any minute! Pretty soon, the women could be going off to work, while the men stayed at home and cooked!
Big Bob: That is not going to happen!
David: [with defiant delight] But it *could* happen!
Big Bob: [enraged] *No, it could not!*
[Big Bob suddenly turns pink, and David grins victoriously]
Maltshop Guy: What's outside of Pleasantville?
David: Oh, it doesn't matter.
Margaret Henderson: What's outside of Pleasantville?
[pause]
David: There are some places that the road doesn't go in a circle. There are some places where the road keeps going.
Margaret Henderson: Keeps going?
David: Yeah, yeah. It just keeps going. It all keeps going.
George Parker: What happened? One minute, everything's fine... What went wrong?
David: Nothing went wrong. People change.
George Parker: People change?
David: Yeah, people change.
George Parker: Can they change back?
David: [grins] I don't know. I think it's harder.
The Truman Show (1998)
Christof: We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented.
[Truman attempts to leave his town and a convoy of cars pulls in front of him to block his exit]
Truman Burbank: Blocked at every turn. Beautifully synchronized, don't you agree?
Meryl: You're blaming me for the traffic?
Truman Burbank: Should I?
Meryl: Truman, let's go home.
Truman Burbank: You're right. We could be stuck here for hours. It could be like this all the way to Atlantic City. Let's go back. I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me.
Meryl: Truman, can you slow down?
Truman Burbank: Yes, I can.
Meryl: Truman. Truman, that's our turnoff.
Truman Burbank: I changed my mind. What's New Orleans like this time of year? Mardi Gras, woooooo! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hoo hoo hoo! Whoooohoo! Look, Meryl! Same road, no cars. It's magic! Hahaha!
Meryl: You let me out, Truman. You're not right in the head. You want to destroy yourself you do it on your own.
Truman Burbank: I think I'd like a little company.
Truman Burbank: Somebody help me, I'm being spontaneous!
Truman Burbank: Was anything real?
Christof: You were real. That's what made you so good to watch...
Christof: If his was more than just a vague ambition, if he was absolutely determined to discover the truth, there's no way we could prevent him.
Christof: We've become bored with watching actors give us phony emotions. We are tired of pyrotechnics and special effects. While the world he inhabits is, in some respects, counterfeit, there's nothing fake about Truman himself. No scripts, no cue cards. It isn't always Shakespeare, but it's genuine. It's a life.
Christof: I know you better than you know yourself.
Truman: You never had a camera in my head!
I heard this really dope track by paramore called Misery Business and as soon as I got that kick ass music vibe in me I thought, you know who'd really like this song. That's how I know the storm is clearing it ain't totally gone, fucking feelings dictate so much of words and actions, this right here, perfect example, but it's a good feeling, which I want to drive me more than the bad. That's me, and my needs, I need to take a good feeling and ride it like a killer wave and if that pipeline stretches 4 miles, so be it. I'll run with it. I'm not sure if u are even interested in surfing, maybe u'd prefer knee board those small ass little waves by the beach and there's nothing wrong with that. Knee boarding or body boarding is a much safer shorter ride. There's no shame in knee boarding. But if the time comes to take up a long board and try to harness the power of a 10 footer, u gotta know everyone wipes hardcore when they first get started. When you surf you can go surfing with someone but your the only one standing on that surf board when a gnarly wave comes and if your friend your surfing with is more experienced then you, you should really stay out of their way. You'll learn a lot by watching how they handle the wave as well. But it's still totally up to you and how your feeling about whether or not you wanna do that or you can believe you can do that.
There is a solid line between friendship and romance. That line is affection. I tested that line early on in my vacation it was a solid line. My friend is a friend. It bothers me that someone so persuasive is so easily influenced. At the end of my vacation that line was blurred. I need that line. I need it to be a solid black line or green line. When it becomes blurred, that is my cue to exit. I take light for inspiration from others and life all the time. I'm gonna try to make my own light from here on out cause taking others is dangerous. Don't get me wrong, I like trouble, but I like it because it creates climactic change, because it's cathartic metamorphasis of truth and growth. Some would say that's drama but I think drama is a battle of wants or desires instead of actual climactic change (learned that shit the hard way). Drama is created by a slew of verbal diahera, personality discrepencies, and baggage by all parties included and all it takes is a stage or confrontation to bring it alive. I'm strong enough to handle the winds of change and I need to grow mentally, physically, and spiritually for a better me, no other reason. I have honor, if your not sure what that means, look it up. I'm not going to lose that for anyone. In my opinion that's the best virtue I have, it encombuses a variety of elements that through out history I've admired. Mostly in leaders and martyr's. I'd rather be a leader than a martyr but my big fat honest mouth gets me in trouble and it might get me shot, who knows.
Todays movies I believe express proactiveness against hardcore opposition. First off Pleasantville completely exemplifies contrast in it's deepest roots. I love it. Change in a truly supersaturated rainbow of color. This life is totally black and white with out emotions. That affection thing, often I feel the right and wrong get blurred from attraction. Blurring that black and white, right and wrong, into a greyish mess of whatever seriously seriously affects the color of everything. So the charachters start changing from black and white into color when they're true to themselves and ride that feeling, so much that even anger drives a charachter to change. Or the mother for example whose starts wearing white make up and clothes to hide the change of color and emotion inside her cause she knows that change makes her a target for hate. Yeah we're pushing on to the 23rd century and people still fear and hate what's different. Sometimes I really wonder if people could step out of themselves for a moment, especially when it comes to their children. Can't you seriously ask yourself well what did I think about this life that I've lived do I want to bring up my kids in it? If not or if u could change stuff why aren't u moven on that. Why isn't that message promoted as much as let's saY propaganda to keep that kinda black and white systematic control of gender roles, how one lives there life, and that subtle prejudice of difference. Someones really gonna have to stand up and say something profound, it might be me, I hate oppression.
Now for the fakest of the fake. Could you imagine living Truman's life. It really makes you wonder how your experiences dictate who you'll become and what you'll do. The Truman show would so have 4 or 5 more seasons if Truman didn't wanna break free of his prison and travel. That prison in pleasantville as well is control. How many ways do we try to control our environment, or job, the people we "love", it's some deep shit. We got remote controls, cars that no one else has a right to drive the way they want while we are driving the way we want. There's signs, directions, protocal, and mis-information, all trying to get us to move in the same way, a kind of herding, like get along little doggies and do what everyone is doing. I liked Truman more than the conventional battles of this control like the matrix, even though I loves the matrix so much, but I'll come back to it guarenteed. Truman's struggle is within himself just as much as it's "the world that's blind folded us from the truth" that you are a slave neo, born into bondage.... silly silly blog writer... later. Contrast of control verses spontinaity is different in the truman show, it's different in truman himself, could you imagine the paranoia of this world being completely fake and all your friends and family being in actuality there to take what they wanted from u. Fucking scary. I'd wanna run to Fiji too. I sorta do anyway. What I loved about the change in Truman is when the creator and us the audience see truman's moved into the basement sleeping, u think he's accepted that he's being controlled and instead he totally F'en disappears. When they find him the creator challenges him with death. That my friends is a challenge I have yet to be faced with and a challenge like that would definitely expose true color and worth of an individual.
"Never underestimate the power of denial"
"Do you know why law school is so long and such a bitch? Cause it takes long study to grasp how to say the right thing to the right people at the right time. What's the right thing? It's a message that tears it all down and lays a seed for how it will be from here on out. Change, real undeniable change."
"Passion is important to have and express with injustices not inadequacies"
“In order to have true friendship you must look past the color to the soul, because within the soul lies a rainbow of many colors.”
“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.”
“The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.”
“The only faith that wears well and holds its color in all weathers, is that which is woven of conviction and set with the sharp mordant of experience”
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
It's All Within One's Self
Leaving Las Vegas - 1995
Ben: You can never, never ask me to stop drinking. Do you understand?
Sera: I do, I really do.
Ben: You're like some kind of antidote - mixes with the liquor and keeps me in balance.
Terri: Maybe you shouldn't drink so much. Ben: Maybe I shouldn't breathe so much either.
Sera: You wanna fuck now?
Ben: Maybe something to drink first. More tequila?
Sera: Whatever. What's the story? Are you too drunk to come?
Ben: I don't care about any of that.
There's time left. You can have more money. You can drink all you want. Just stay. That's what I want. I want you to talk or listen.
Just stay.
Ben: I came here to drink myself to death. Cashed in all my money...paid my American Express card...gonna sell the car tomorrow.
Sera: How long is it gonna take for you to drink yourself to death?
Ben: I think about four weeks. I don't know for sure, but I think. I got enough for about 300$ a day. That should do it.
Sera: What am l? A luxury?
Ben: You're a luxury, and your meter just ran out.
Sera: That's a nice watch.
Ben: You do like it?
Sera: You can talk a little bit more.I don't have to be anywhere.
Talk.
The Book Fight Club
“When the fight begins within
himself, a man's worth something.”
- Robert Browning, 1855 -
Fight Club (date unknown)
With insomnia, you're never really asleep;
you're never really awake." - tyler durdan or narrator
Rules of Fight Club:
1. You do not talk about 'Fight Club'.
2. You do not talk about 'Fight Club'.
3. When someone yells "Stop" or goes limp, or taps out, the fight is over.
4. Only two guys to a fight.
5. One fight at a time.
6. No shirts, no shoes.
7. Fights go on as long as they have to.
8. If this is your first night at 'Fight Club', you have to fight.
Tyler Durden: You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fu**ing khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
Tyler Durden (narrating) :That old saying, how you always hurt
the one you love, well, it works both
ways."
Narrator: "This is your life and it's ending one
Narrator: "And then... something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion -- dark and silent
and complete. I found freedom. Losing
all hope was freedom."
Narrator: "We were selling rich women their own fat
asses back to them."
minute at a time."
Tyler Durden: "The things you own end up owning you. It's only after you lose everything that you're free to do anything".
Tyler: "No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide."
Tyler: "Self-improvement is masturbation. Self-destruction is the answer".
Tyler: "I say, never be complete. I say, stop being perfect. I say, let's evolve and let the chips fall where they may...The things you own end up owning you."
Okay... ummm maybe at 3:35am this morning I grabbed it. I grabbed this terrible, horrific, socially unexceptable thing. This thing that made it all clear. Thank F'en god for clarity. It ain't her. It ain't the things that she's done to be alive and live, naw dawg. It's me. It's all me and how I'm putting it together as it grazes me. As it comes along with it's sweet suddle intoxicating pefume. It owned me, ya know. It owned me cause I was ready to be owned, or better yet I wanted to be owned. I wanted to be yours, like that shit. Like yeah the front I put up is bunk, it's BS, it's scata dedavro, or shit of the bull. I'm closing in on it, I ain't there yet but I'm getting it, and sweetheart trust me when it has gotten got, in me the drive to get it's gotten got and spread that shit where it ain't been gotten got will be got.
I don't know why I'm still spreading quotes. Peeps if u don't know the flick, these quotes ain't gonna do shit for you. Maybe you'll be inspired to watch... maybe. But these 2, my 2 everyday that mean something, that mean something so poiantly profound, if u ain't seen them your missing something, not just from my blog, but something from your own life and how you percieve it is or how it should be. Or how it could be if you could really devote yourself to really understanding and grasping the F'en message, which most movie goer's do not. They don't even try to. The credits roll... I liked it, I didn't like it. Wow cock lick that's so so so F'en profound, I wish I took u to buy a car or something expensive, your a great F'en shopper bitch. Sorry sorry, I'm being beligerant. Too much passion and no where to properly place it.
Back to business. Leaving Las Vegas ain't about the fucking lines. It ain't about the relationship of an alcoholic drunk whose ready to die from alcoholism. It's personable. It's about alcoholism or being a prostitute (which I don't know... or can even relate to). It's that personal level or understanding of that charachter. Right here and right now I'm so close to Ben Sanderson. So close, yes Elizebeth Shoe is smoking hot, she's got an innocence that is so sexy, but, But the important thing is drinking and getting that feeling that the world is unreal is more important. It's more important to forget everything that once was and just live in the moment and that moment will not be facilatated without alcohol. And when you get to a certain point of really really understanding that you'll stop drinking beer, you'll stop ordering mixed drinks, you'll slowly slowly grasp the reality that the only way it's gonna work is if you start drinking it straight. And it burns like hell going down, you'll get that feeling of puking but you gotta do it, cause if u can keep it down, it's yours. The moment of forgetting the past the present and just solidly living. Right now without any thought of anything else. That's where I'm at I crossed over at 3:35am this morning. I slept and the first thought in my mind was is my cup dirty... Do I give a fuck? No I don't, so I started drinking at 9am this morning and countinued on till it ran out and got more at noon.
Okay ok, on to fight club, fight club is a mans mans movie, excuse me a mans mans mans movie. I don't expect that many peeps without penis's to get it, I don't. There's a couple of lines that I didn't find online that really said it but at the same time this is another movie that's a film you feel or it's just another rolling credit, you like it? Ah it was alright I guess. Well fuck u people this lays down a forground of how this life could be lived and instead of feeling that you choose (here's a line from a good movie, probably the best) to inch by in your steel coffins (point break). " I want you to hit me as hard as you can". I mean jesus christ who says that, I feel that all day almost everyday. It's all about making the separation or "duality" which I'm gonna come back to, one. One thing, one way to grasp all of it. Could you imagine? How awesome would that be, yeah it feels like my heart is breaking... when it feels like my heart is breaking the skin on my chest rips open starts pouring blood and now I have a scar from that heart break. That would be F'en perfect!!! But no, instead we get resentment, disappointment, distrust, and the ability or lack or ability to pretend like we understand the inner workings. We're men god damn it u think we fully grasp that shit and move on.... no! Really god couldn't you physically hurt us instead, trust me we'd understand it better asnd learn from it.
Lastly the duality. The duality is so hard to grasp, comprehend, and spit back at other people. I have researched lots, loads of duality. Why it is, not only split personalities, I'll tell u this, but duality. Duality in simpliest terms is who u know you are and the fantasy of who u could be or u want to be. Most people can see that distinction. However the problem with it is there are lies we tell ourselves and we know their lies but they make us feel better and if we think about it we recognize they are lies. However there are lies we tell ourselves that we don't recognize, because they're old as fuck or we just don't wanna comprehend the bad shit we've done. Those lies create something else in us. Those lies my create an alterior personality that has absolutely no interest in finding out the truth. That personality might take the fuck over cause rationality, lets face it, is a weak fucking bitch that is easily overtaken. I'm worse today than I was yesturday.
Ben: You can never, never ask me to stop drinking. Do you understand?
Sera: I do, I really do.
Ben: You're like some kind of antidote - mixes with the liquor and keeps me in balance.
Terri: Maybe you shouldn't drink so much. Ben: Maybe I shouldn't breathe so much either.
Sera: You wanna fuck now?
Ben: Maybe something to drink first. More tequila?
Sera: Whatever. What's the story? Are you too drunk to come?
Ben: I don't care about any of that.
There's time left. You can have more money. You can drink all you want. Just stay. That's what I want. I want you to talk or listen.
Just stay.
Ben: I came here to drink myself to death. Cashed in all my money...paid my American Express card...gonna sell the car tomorrow.
Sera: How long is it gonna take for you to drink yourself to death?
Ben: I think about four weeks. I don't know for sure, but I think. I got enough for about 300$ a day. That should do it.
Sera: What am l? A luxury?
Ben: You're a luxury, and your meter just ran out.
Sera: That's a nice watch.
Ben: You do like it?
Sera: You can talk a little bit more.I don't have to be anywhere.
Talk.
The Book Fight Club
“When the fight begins within
himself, a man's worth something.”
- Robert Browning, 1855 -
Fight Club (date unknown)
With insomnia, you're never really asleep;
you're never really awake." - tyler durdan or narrator
Rules of Fight Club:
1. You do not talk about 'Fight Club'.
2. You do not talk about 'Fight Club'.
3. When someone yells "Stop" or goes limp, or taps out, the fight is over.
4. Only two guys to a fight.
5. One fight at a time.
6. No shirts, no shoes.
7. Fights go on as long as they have to.
8. If this is your first night at 'Fight Club', you have to fight.
Tyler Durden: You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fu**ing khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
Tyler Durden (narrating) :That old saying, how you always hurt
the one you love, well, it works both
ways."
Narrator: "This is your life and it's ending one
Narrator: "And then... something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion -- dark and silent
and complete. I found freedom. Losing
all hope was freedom."
Narrator: "We were selling rich women their own fat
asses back to them."
minute at a time."
Tyler Durden: "The things you own end up owning you. It's only after you lose everything that you're free to do anything".
Tyler: "No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide."
Tyler: "Self-improvement is masturbation. Self-destruction is the answer".
Tyler: "I say, never be complete. I say, stop being perfect. I say, let's evolve and let the chips fall where they may...The things you own end up owning you."
Okay... ummm maybe at 3:35am this morning I grabbed it. I grabbed this terrible, horrific, socially unexceptable thing. This thing that made it all clear. Thank F'en god for clarity. It ain't her. It ain't the things that she's done to be alive and live, naw dawg. It's me. It's all me and how I'm putting it together as it grazes me. As it comes along with it's sweet suddle intoxicating pefume. It owned me, ya know. It owned me cause I was ready to be owned, or better yet I wanted to be owned. I wanted to be yours, like that shit. Like yeah the front I put up is bunk, it's BS, it's scata dedavro, or shit of the bull. I'm closing in on it, I ain't there yet but I'm getting it, and sweetheart trust me when it has gotten got, in me the drive to get it's gotten got and spread that shit where it ain't been gotten got will be got.
I don't know why I'm still spreading quotes. Peeps if u don't know the flick, these quotes ain't gonna do shit for you. Maybe you'll be inspired to watch... maybe. But these 2, my 2 everyday that mean something, that mean something so poiantly profound, if u ain't seen them your missing something, not just from my blog, but something from your own life and how you percieve it is or how it should be. Or how it could be if you could really devote yourself to really understanding and grasping the F'en message, which most movie goer's do not. They don't even try to. The credits roll... I liked it, I didn't like it. Wow cock lick that's so so so F'en profound, I wish I took u to buy a car or something expensive, your a great F'en shopper bitch. Sorry sorry, I'm being beligerant. Too much passion and no where to properly place it.
Back to business. Leaving Las Vegas ain't about the fucking lines. It ain't about the relationship of an alcoholic drunk whose ready to die from alcoholism. It's personable. It's about alcoholism or being a prostitute (which I don't know... or can even relate to). It's that personal level or understanding of that charachter. Right here and right now I'm so close to Ben Sanderson. So close, yes Elizebeth Shoe is smoking hot, she's got an innocence that is so sexy, but, But the important thing is drinking and getting that feeling that the world is unreal is more important. It's more important to forget everything that once was and just live in the moment and that moment will not be facilatated without alcohol. And when you get to a certain point of really really understanding that you'll stop drinking beer, you'll stop ordering mixed drinks, you'll slowly slowly grasp the reality that the only way it's gonna work is if you start drinking it straight. And it burns like hell going down, you'll get that feeling of puking but you gotta do it, cause if u can keep it down, it's yours. The moment of forgetting the past the present and just solidly living. Right now without any thought of anything else. That's where I'm at I crossed over at 3:35am this morning. I slept and the first thought in my mind was is my cup dirty... Do I give a fuck? No I don't, so I started drinking at 9am this morning and countinued on till it ran out and got more at noon.
Okay ok, on to fight club, fight club is a mans mans movie, excuse me a mans mans mans movie. I don't expect that many peeps without penis's to get it, I don't. There's a couple of lines that I didn't find online that really said it but at the same time this is another movie that's a film you feel or it's just another rolling credit, you like it? Ah it was alright I guess. Well fuck u people this lays down a forground of how this life could be lived and instead of feeling that you choose (here's a line from a good movie, probably the best) to inch by in your steel coffins (point break). " I want you to hit me as hard as you can". I mean jesus christ who says that, I feel that all day almost everyday. It's all about making the separation or "duality" which I'm gonna come back to, one. One thing, one way to grasp all of it. Could you imagine? How awesome would that be, yeah it feels like my heart is breaking... when it feels like my heart is breaking the skin on my chest rips open starts pouring blood and now I have a scar from that heart break. That would be F'en perfect!!! But no, instead we get resentment, disappointment, distrust, and the ability or lack or ability to pretend like we understand the inner workings. We're men god damn it u think we fully grasp that shit and move on.... no! Really god couldn't you physically hurt us instead, trust me we'd understand it better asnd learn from it.
Lastly the duality. The duality is so hard to grasp, comprehend, and spit back at other people. I have researched lots, loads of duality. Why it is, not only split personalities, I'll tell u this, but duality. Duality in simpliest terms is who u know you are and the fantasy of who u could be or u want to be. Most people can see that distinction. However the problem with it is there are lies we tell ourselves and we know their lies but they make us feel better and if we think about it we recognize they are lies. However there are lies we tell ourselves that we don't recognize, because they're old as fuck or we just don't wanna comprehend the bad shit we've done. Those lies create something else in us. Those lies my create an alterior personality that has absolutely no interest in finding out the truth. That personality might take the fuck over cause rationality, lets face it, is a weak fucking bitch that is easily overtaken. I'm worse today than I was yesturday.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
A Notebook and Expectations: Or Romance vs. Disappointment
Great Expectations (1998)Finn: I did it! I did it! I am a wild success! I sold 'em all, all my paintings. You don't have to be embarrassed by me anymore, I'm rich! Isn't that what you wanted, aren't we happy now. Don't you understand, that everything I do, I do it for you. Anything, that might be special in me, is you.
Finn: The night all of my dreams came true, and like all happy endings,It was a tragedy, Of my device, for I succeeded. I had cut myself loose from Joe, from the past, from the gulf, from poverty I had invented myself. I'd done it cruelly, but I had done it. I was free!
Estella: Let's say there was a little girl, and from the time she could understand, she was taught to fear... let's say she was taught to fear daylight. She was taught that it was her enemy, that it would hurt her. And then one sunny day, you ask her to go outside and play and she won't. You can't be angry at her can you?
The Notebook (2004) Duke (in voice-over narration): "I am no one special, just a common man with common thoughts. I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me, and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect, I've succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and for me, that has always been enough."
Duke (reading): "Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars-a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash, they're gone."
Duke (reading, about Noah): "He got the notion into his head that if he restored the old house where they had come that night, Allie would find a way to come back to him. Some called it a labor of love. Others called it something else. But in fact, Noah had gone a little mad."
Excerpt from a letter from Noah to Allie: "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever."
noah- Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
I relate to both these films explicitly with this last relationship. I ain't going to have a female bashfest or anything but when it comes to women in the country I reside in presently, I'm thinking it's safe to say most of the female population isn't wearing Janko jeans, men's shirts, caps to the side, raisen their middle fingers in the air and representen thug life, they're not really down with girl power, I'm thinken they're down with flour power and man wins bread, woman makes bed. Which ain't power at all. Anyway's back to the art of tear jerking romance. I really shouldn't talk, I'm a drama queen, cough cough drama king. I like drama. I like falling in love, and chemistry, and appreciating the inside beauty of a person more so then the superficial outside beauty. And that shit totally goes against the laws of science here. Please remember the blog writer is not in america, he's from america, but he's not in america. It's important, their are lesbian and gay bars in america, none of that over here. You wouldn't be seeing any Rocky Horror Picture Shows going up in these parts. This is turning into a rant. And I'd like to avoid that until I get through all the movies that are in my topity top top top flickers of all time. Or until the change actually takes hold and my games tight again... Which blog readers it is far from.
So I was saying, the blog writer, which is I's, past relationship they're were a variety of qualities of both of these killer films that paralleled my own experience. And I ponder how much the female characters in both parallel a girls life experience. In Great Expectations Estella is taught by her aunt to be a bitch. Taught to hurt boys and take what she wants from them. I know a girl that was taught it's better to be a bitch then a doormat (but trust me the cycle countinues and she'll return to her doormat status). Now I can't imagine an aunt or mother being so bold to teach their neice or daughter to act that way but from conversation with my x or other female friends there's a limit to how much abuse a girl will take before she can teach herself that lesson. ANd boys are stupid and in a variety of ways less emotionally strong then women. We follow our heart often, too often when it comes to this dumb shmuck right here. Who has seen way too many of these chick flicks and isn't in fact a chick, go figure. I know a lot of dudes that totally separate between physical touch and emotions, I'm not them, so I guess that sucks for me. I am like Finn. I'm an artist, film writer, maker by trade and I'm sensitive. When I fall, I fall hard, and it's hard to get back the fuck up. Anyone get the plate number off that 5'5" brunette who loves music and travel? No :(
Anyway when in the business of falling in love or attempting to find the "one" or a "keeper" I've thought it's important to actually listen to the opposite sex. Try to understand them and with our first reference Great Expectations, Finn totally thinks I'm gonna win her heart by being a success. Do you actually win hearts that way? I'm asking seriously. Cause I think most of us stupid boys believe it. Not a hundred percent believe believe but a successful man with a personality and charm is better then a dirtbag with personality and charm, right? The really funny, but not really funny thing is that one line. "and like all happy endings,It was a tragedy, Of my device, for I succeeded" I've been there. You work and work and work and your goal is this kind of attention from someone and you get all this "success" from no ones. It's tradgic, but only you understand how tradgic it is. Instead of breaking out into that new platau of success and enlightenment and genuine people, you actually break into a new level of isolation and you gotta be extra skeptical of prospectable the "ones" cause higher up they know the game better then u do. I keep saying the game like I'm a player, but I've been benched for retardation, excuse my gimpy heart please, it makes it hard to run fast.
Okay on to the Notebook, whoever wrote this movie should be shot, like with a gun, cause, sigh, it's just so damn good and on point about things. The women in this country totally don't think for themselves. They think as a collective, mostly family, but easily influenced by everyone. It's kinda sorta really important to know what you want and to go after it. I've grown up thinking it's the most important, so I can avoid waking up when I'm 55 and asking where did my life go, where's my F'en oscar? I don't really want one but if the academy licks my balls I might let them give me one. Am I wrong here but the best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more. In my book that's the only kind of love worth having but I'm kind of a psycho drama king who needs constant challenges. It was like that, my most recent trip into the realm of love. Just like that, and just like the fight that Noah and Allie had, but in the end I think my x isn't strong enough to follow her heart, she's not made of that kinda independant fabric that is the backbone for the NY atitude.
Even though I felt things in these films, I'm starting to believe that the main reasons there are parallels is because my outspoken-ness was contagious and within a months time of not speaking to her she'll be completely comsumed by the way she thought before she met me. Why am I still thinking about this? I'm better today. I only got sad when I ate but it passed fairly quickly which I was very thankful for. So in retrospective or conclusion, Disappointment like great expectations is gonna happen, it's bound to. Cause bitches are never gonna understand real love. Yeah that's my conclusion, ya heard. And the notebook, well I might rewrite the script I based off her charachter and if I do that and have to concentrate again on what really makes her tick, my x, yeah I am gonna go mad, like madder then I am my worst day and I refuse to go back to that. But it's got all the elements of a story of love I wish I had..... everything except the really old nasty people making out, my tears of joy stopped at that moment and I booted into the popcorn.
Finn: The night all of my dreams came true, and like all happy endings,It was a tragedy, Of my device, for I succeeded. I had cut myself loose from Joe, from the past, from the gulf, from poverty I had invented myself. I'd done it cruelly, but I had done it. I was free!
Estella: Let's say there was a little girl, and from the time she could understand, she was taught to fear... let's say she was taught to fear daylight. She was taught that it was her enemy, that it would hurt her. And then one sunny day, you ask her to go outside and play and she won't. You can't be angry at her can you?
The Notebook (2004) Duke (in voice-over narration): "I am no one special, just a common man with common thoughts. I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me, and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect, I've succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and for me, that has always been enough."
Duke (reading): "Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars-a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash, they're gone."
Duke (reading, about Noah): "He got the notion into his head that if he restored the old house where they had come that night, Allie would find a way to come back to him. Some called it a labor of love. Others called it something else. But in fact, Noah had gone a little mad."
Excerpt from a letter from Noah to Allie: "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever."
noah- Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
I relate to both these films explicitly with this last relationship. I ain't going to have a female bashfest or anything but when it comes to women in the country I reside in presently, I'm thinking it's safe to say most of the female population isn't wearing Janko jeans, men's shirts, caps to the side, raisen their middle fingers in the air and representen thug life, they're not really down with girl power, I'm thinken they're down with flour power and man wins bread, woman makes bed. Which ain't power at all. Anyway's back to the art of tear jerking romance. I really shouldn't talk, I'm a drama queen, cough cough drama king. I like drama. I like falling in love, and chemistry, and appreciating the inside beauty of a person more so then the superficial outside beauty. And that shit totally goes against the laws of science here. Please remember the blog writer is not in america, he's from america, but he's not in america. It's important, their are lesbian and gay bars in america, none of that over here. You wouldn't be seeing any Rocky Horror Picture Shows going up in these parts. This is turning into a rant. And I'd like to avoid that until I get through all the movies that are in my topity top top top flickers of all time. Or until the change actually takes hold and my games tight again... Which blog readers it is far from.
So I was saying, the blog writer, which is I's, past relationship they're were a variety of qualities of both of these killer films that paralleled my own experience. And I ponder how much the female characters in both parallel a girls life experience. In Great Expectations Estella is taught by her aunt to be a bitch. Taught to hurt boys and take what she wants from them. I know a girl that was taught it's better to be a bitch then a doormat (but trust me the cycle countinues and she'll return to her doormat status). Now I can't imagine an aunt or mother being so bold to teach their neice or daughter to act that way but from conversation with my x or other female friends there's a limit to how much abuse a girl will take before she can teach herself that lesson. ANd boys are stupid and in a variety of ways less emotionally strong then women. We follow our heart often, too often when it comes to this dumb shmuck right here. Who has seen way too many of these chick flicks and isn't in fact a chick, go figure. I know a lot of dudes that totally separate between physical touch and emotions, I'm not them, so I guess that sucks for me. I am like Finn. I'm an artist, film writer, maker by trade and I'm sensitive. When I fall, I fall hard, and it's hard to get back the fuck up. Anyone get the plate number off that 5'5" brunette who loves music and travel? No :(
Anyway when in the business of falling in love or attempting to find the "one" or a "keeper" I've thought it's important to actually listen to the opposite sex. Try to understand them and with our first reference Great Expectations, Finn totally thinks I'm gonna win her heart by being a success. Do you actually win hearts that way? I'm asking seriously. Cause I think most of us stupid boys believe it. Not a hundred percent believe believe but a successful man with a personality and charm is better then a dirtbag with personality and charm, right? The really funny, but not really funny thing is that one line. "and like all happy endings,It was a tragedy, Of my device, for I succeeded" I've been there. You work and work and work and your goal is this kind of attention from someone and you get all this "success" from no ones. It's tradgic, but only you understand how tradgic it is. Instead of breaking out into that new platau of success and enlightenment and genuine people, you actually break into a new level of isolation and you gotta be extra skeptical of prospectable the "ones" cause higher up they know the game better then u do. I keep saying the game like I'm a player, but I've been benched for retardation, excuse my gimpy heart please, it makes it hard to run fast.
Okay on to the Notebook, whoever wrote this movie should be shot, like with a gun, cause, sigh, it's just so damn good and on point about things. The women in this country totally don't think for themselves. They think as a collective, mostly family, but easily influenced by everyone. It's kinda sorta really important to know what you want and to go after it. I've grown up thinking it's the most important, so I can avoid waking up when I'm 55 and asking where did my life go, where's my F'en oscar? I don't really want one but if the academy licks my balls I might let them give me one. Am I wrong here but the best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more. In my book that's the only kind of love worth having but I'm kind of a psycho drama king who needs constant challenges. It was like that, my most recent trip into the realm of love. Just like that, and just like the fight that Noah and Allie had, but in the end I think my x isn't strong enough to follow her heart, she's not made of that kinda independant fabric that is the backbone for the NY atitude.
Even though I felt things in these films, I'm starting to believe that the main reasons there are parallels is because my outspoken-ness was contagious and within a months time of not speaking to her she'll be completely comsumed by the way she thought before she met me. Why am I still thinking about this? I'm better today. I only got sad when I ate but it passed fairly quickly which I was very thankful for. So in retrospective or conclusion, Disappointment like great expectations is gonna happen, it's bound to. Cause bitches are never gonna understand real love. Yeah that's my conclusion, ya heard. And the notebook, well I might rewrite the script I based off her charachter and if I do that and have to concentrate again on what really makes her tick, my x, yeah I am gonna go mad, like madder then I am my worst day and I refuse to go back to that. But it's got all the elements of a story of love I wish I had..... everything except the really old nasty people making out, my tears of joy stopped at that moment and I booted into the popcorn.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
A Preface for Now
American Beauty (2002) Lester Burnham: [narrating] It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.
Lester Burnham: I feel like I’ve been in a coma for about twenty years. And I’m just now waking up.
Ricky Fitts- "It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
Ricky Fitts: It's like God's looking right at you, just for a second, and if you're careful... you can look right back.
LESTER: The moments you remember are tiny ones, some you haven't thought of in years... If you've thought of them at all... But in the last second of your life, you remember them with astonishing clarity... Because they're just so... beautiful... that they must have been imprinted, on like a cellular level...
For me it was, lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars...
And yellow leaves from the ginkgo trees that lined our street...
Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper...
And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new GTO...
And the way I felt when Angela first smiled at me...
LESTER: I guess I could be pretty pissed about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...
And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...
You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure... but don't worry...
You will someday.
RICKY: I didn't lose them. It taught me how to step back, and just... watch, and not take everything so personally. And that's something I needed to learn. That's something everybody needs to learn.
Lester to Carolyn
This isn't life! This is just stuff. And it has become more important to you than living. And honey, that's just nuts
Good Will Hunting (1997)
Sean: Do you have a soul mate?
Will: Define that.
Sean: Someone you can relate to, someone who opens things up for you.
Will: Sure, I got plenty.
Sean: Well, name them.
Will: Shakespeare, Nietzsche, Frost, O'Conner...
Sean: Well that's great. They're all dead.
Will: Not to me, they're not.
Sean: You can't have a lot of dialogue with them.
Will: Not without a heater and some serious smelling salts.
Skylar: What is your obsession with this money? My father died when I was 13 and I inherited this money. You don't think that every day I wake up and wish I could give it back? That I would give it back in a second if I could have one more day with him? But I can't, and that's my life and I deal with it. So don't put your shit on me when you're the one that's afraid.
Will: I'm afraid? What am I afraid of? What the fuck am I afraid of?
Skylar: You're afraid of me! You're afraid that I won't love you back! Fuck it, I wanna give it a shot! At least I'm honest with you.
Sean: Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.
Sean: Nail them while they're vulnerable, that's my motto.
Will: [Sean is going through Will's profile. Inside we see are pictures of Will after brutal assaults by his foster parents] You ever have any, uh, experience with that?
Sean: Twenty years of counseling, I've seen some pretty awful shit.
Will: No. I mean, have you ever had any experience with that?
Sean: Personally? Yeah. Yeah I have.
[Sean looks away for a moment]
Sean: I'm sure it ain't good.
Will: My father was an alcoholic. Mean fuckin' drunk. Used to come home hammered, looking to whale on someone. So I had to provoke him, so he wouldn't go after my mother and little brother. Interesting nights were when he wore his rings...
Will: He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, "Choose."
Sean: Well, I gotta go with the belt there.
Will: I used to go with the wrench.
Sean: Why?
Will: Cause fuck him, that' why.
Sean: Your foster father?
Will: Yeah.
[pause]
Will: So what does it say? Will has an attachment disorder? Fear of abandonment? Is that why I broke up with Skylar?
Sean: Didn't know you had. Wanna talk about it?
[Will shakes his head, stares off]
Sean: Will, you see this, all this shit?
[Holds up the file, and drops it on his desk]
Sean: It's not your fault.
Will: [Softly, still staring off] I know...
Sean: No you don't. It's not your fault.
Will: [Serious] I know.
Sean: No. Listen to me son. It's not your fault.
Will: I know that.
Sean: It's not your fault.
[Will is silent, eyes closed]
Sean: It's not your fault.
Will: [Will's eyes open, misty already] Don't fuck with me Sean. Not you.
Sean: It's not your fault.
[Will shoves Sean back, and then, hands trembling, buries his face in his hands. Will begins sobbing. Sean puts his hands on Will's shoulders, and Will grabs him and holds him close, crying]
Will: Oh my God! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry Sean!
[Will continues sobbing in Sean's arms]
Sean: I teach this shit, I didn't say I know how to do it.
Sean: Maybe you're perfect right now. Maybe you don't wanna ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will, that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody...
Will: ...You ever think about gettin' remarried?
Sean: My wife's dead.
Will: Hence the word: remarried.
Sean: She's dead.
Will: Yeah Well, I think that's a super philosophy, Sean. I mean that way you could actually go through the rest of your life without ever really knowing anybody.
Sean: Time's up.
Chuckie: You're sitting on a winning lottery ticket and you're too big of a pussy to cash it in.
Sean: And why does he hang out with those retarted gorillas, as you called them, because any one of them, if he asked them to, would take a fucking bat to your head, okay? It's called loyalty.
Will: Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never met, never had a no problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Oh, Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back of course, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure fuck it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.
I come to you beaten and broken, bent outta shape, and fucked mentally. Quite probably the worst shape I've been in years. The urges of my youth to do a plethera of unconscionable things rush through my head daily. I'm angry, sad, lonely, crazy, psycho, restless, anxious, paranoid, and the worst self-destructive. No need to worry, I've been here before and this to shall pass. I'm pushing 30 so even though the thought crosses my mind 2 or 3 times a day to bleed, I'm not that. I can't fight the desire to drink away my sadness or numb my feelings and emotions but I can fight the urge to hurt myself. Nothin will be enough or too much to give up. I'm beyond that, so....
I find when you think your at the end, it's important to remember the beginning. "American Beauty" changed my life. I saw it my sophmore year in College at Marist College. At the time I didn't know what the fuck I was gonna do with myself, with my life, "today is the first day of the rest of your life"........And? So what. Often the things that depress me the most are the social norms. Where am I in the phase of my life compared to where I should be like my peers in theirs. And I'm never jealous but I'm influenced by it greatly. I was studying advertising at the time, thinking about doing Journalism. Missing my x-girlfriend/girlfriend who was in Italy at the time. I missed her so much but like always I didn't want her to see me weak like that. So I spoke to her less and less.
The plastic bag scene made me cry from happiness and sadness, it gave me some kind of strength that even though I'm utterly alone, that feeling is just so universal. Beauty does that to you. It fills you up and you get scared that it'll go and you'll never see it again. In a heartbeat, it's there, filling you, driving you, like love and you feel so good cause it's just yours in that moment, and just as you blink your eyes it's gone. And you think you can reach out and grab it and pull it back but like your fingers passing through smoke it's evaporated. When I got back from the Cineama that night I wrote and wrote. I wrote a letter to Kate (my gf) and the next day purchased a camera. I started a documentary that interviewed people about the most random shit I could come up with. The interviews are like an hour each and there's 46 of them, mostly friends and strangers, when I come home I should really edit it together. I think many of their words would touch all of us in that kinda undescribeable beauty, especially since it was a little less then a decade ago.
Moments in American Beauty touched the fuck out of me. Personally, in a very personable way. Good Will Hunting as well. These 2 films have made me know why I love film, why film is what I'm suppose to do with my life. A day will come where the stars are all aligned and a message will come from inside me that transends on each frame. It'll paint those negatives with something spiritual, inspirational, and enlightening. It's a certain clarity that's infinite. Like you feel and here and have that message with you from now on. Time might cloud it's communication but you can always come back to it. When you come back to it, it may not hit you the same way it did the first time but it'll touch that same spot in your soul. Like a purely emotional nostalgia whose meaning will always be undieing.
Will Hunting is talking to his doctor (Robin Williams) near the end of Good Will Hunting. Robin Williams, the psycholigist, has finally gained his trust. Will says that his adopted father puts down a belt, a stick, and a wrench, and tells Will to chose which he's going to beaten with. Robin Williams says "I think I'd go with the stick there chief", and Will says "the wrench, cause fuck him!" Robin Williams moves towards him and says it's not your fault over and over again. Will gets pissed and shoves him but Williams keeps saying it and Will cry's cause all this time he's been blaming himself for a situation he was to weak to escape from.
That's how I feel right now. No I'm not being beaten physically, just emotionally. I'd rather physically, seriously! Why men love bitches? I'm not that man. I loved the pixie, the childish, passionate, sprite and I don't know why it changed. Where the self absorbed, hateful, bitter bitch came from. Yes I thought by doing things right, by having honor and chivilry and love would be enough, enough to keep that goodness that worked. That beautiful chemistry and romance. But it's not and If I don't give up there will be nothing left of me. I have to. By putting my all into her, I've lost the best parts of me for now. Egotistically I thought I'd be the example for the difference in her world, but I see what she does so clearly and whatever I think I may do to change it, she will change as well so to keep her grasp on her reality or relationships still true in her mind. So I gotta walk away, I have to keep to myself for a bit and rerecognize what virtues are indeed my strengths.
I think I'm miserable because A. I'm listening to Mayday Parade - Miserable At Best on repeat now for 3 hours (pathetic) and B. Cause there's no one here to tell me it's not my fault and I still love her even though loving her is being beaten internally with a wrench. I deserve better.
Miserable At Best - Mayday Parade : And this will be the first time that I weep, and I'd talk to you but I can't speak, been 3 whole days since I've had sleep cause I dream of his lips on your cheek, I got the point that I should leave you alone, but we both know that I'm not that strong and I miss the lips that made me fly...
"The thing about change is you never know it's there until it's fully taken over"
Lester Burnham: I feel like I’ve been in a coma for about twenty years. And I’m just now waking up.
Ricky Fitts- "It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
Ricky Fitts: It's like God's looking right at you, just for a second, and if you're careful... you can look right back.
LESTER: The moments you remember are tiny ones, some you haven't thought of in years... If you've thought of them at all... But in the last second of your life, you remember them with astonishing clarity... Because they're just so... beautiful... that they must have been imprinted, on like a cellular level...
For me it was, lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars...
And yellow leaves from the ginkgo trees that lined our street...
Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper...
And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new GTO...
And the way I felt when Angela first smiled at me...
LESTER: I guess I could be pretty pissed about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...
And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...
You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure... but don't worry...
You will someday.
RICKY: I didn't lose them. It taught me how to step back, and just... watch, and not take everything so personally. And that's something I needed to learn. That's something everybody needs to learn.
Lester to Carolyn
This isn't life! This is just stuff. And it has become more important to you than living. And honey, that's just nuts
Good Will Hunting (1997)
Sean: Do you have a soul mate?
Will: Define that.
Sean: Someone you can relate to, someone who opens things up for you.
Will: Sure, I got plenty.
Sean: Well, name them.
Will: Shakespeare, Nietzsche, Frost, O'Conner...
Sean: Well that's great. They're all dead.
Will: Not to me, they're not.
Sean: You can't have a lot of dialogue with them.
Will: Not without a heater and some serious smelling salts.
Skylar: What is your obsession with this money? My father died when I was 13 and I inherited this money. You don't think that every day I wake up and wish I could give it back? That I would give it back in a second if I could have one more day with him? But I can't, and that's my life and I deal with it. So don't put your shit on me when you're the one that's afraid.
Will: I'm afraid? What am I afraid of? What the fuck am I afraid of?
Skylar: You're afraid of me! You're afraid that I won't love you back! Fuck it, I wanna give it a shot! At least I'm honest with you.
Sean: Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.
Sean: Nail them while they're vulnerable, that's my motto.
Will: [Sean is going through Will's profile. Inside we see are pictures of Will after brutal assaults by his foster parents] You ever have any, uh, experience with that?
Sean: Twenty years of counseling, I've seen some pretty awful shit.
Will: No. I mean, have you ever had any experience with that?
Sean: Personally? Yeah. Yeah I have.
[Sean looks away for a moment]
Sean: I'm sure it ain't good.
Will: My father was an alcoholic. Mean fuckin' drunk. Used to come home hammered, looking to whale on someone. So I had to provoke him, so he wouldn't go after my mother and little brother. Interesting nights were when he wore his rings...
Will: He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, "Choose."
Sean: Well, I gotta go with the belt there.
Will: I used to go with the wrench.
Sean: Why?
Will: Cause fuck him, that' why.
Sean: Your foster father?
Will: Yeah.
[pause]
Will: So what does it say? Will has an attachment disorder? Fear of abandonment? Is that why I broke up with Skylar?
Sean: Didn't know you had. Wanna talk about it?
[Will shakes his head, stares off]
Sean: Will, you see this, all this shit?
[Holds up the file, and drops it on his desk]
Sean: It's not your fault.
Will: [Softly, still staring off] I know...
Sean: No you don't. It's not your fault.
Will: [Serious] I know.
Sean: No. Listen to me son. It's not your fault.
Will: I know that.
Sean: It's not your fault.
[Will is silent, eyes closed]
Sean: It's not your fault.
Will: [Will's eyes open, misty already] Don't fuck with me Sean. Not you.
Sean: It's not your fault.
[Will shoves Sean back, and then, hands trembling, buries his face in his hands. Will begins sobbing. Sean puts his hands on Will's shoulders, and Will grabs him and holds him close, crying]
Will: Oh my God! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry Sean!
[Will continues sobbing in Sean's arms]
Sean: I teach this shit, I didn't say I know how to do it.
Sean: Maybe you're perfect right now. Maybe you don't wanna ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will, that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody...
Will: ...You ever think about gettin' remarried?
Sean: My wife's dead.
Will: Hence the word: remarried.
Sean: She's dead.
Will: Yeah Well, I think that's a super philosophy, Sean. I mean that way you could actually go through the rest of your life without ever really knowing anybody.
Sean: Time's up.
Chuckie: You're sitting on a winning lottery ticket and you're too big of a pussy to cash it in.
Sean: And why does he hang out with those retarted gorillas, as you called them, because any one of them, if he asked them to, would take a fucking bat to your head, okay? It's called loyalty.
Will: Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never met, never had a no problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Oh, Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back of course, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure fuck it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.
I come to you beaten and broken, bent outta shape, and fucked mentally. Quite probably the worst shape I've been in years. The urges of my youth to do a plethera of unconscionable things rush through my head daily. I'm angry, sad, lonely, crazy, psycho, restless, anxious, paranoid, and the worst self-destructive. No need to worry, I've been here before and this to shall pass. I'm pushing 30 so even though the thought crosses my mind 2 or 3 times a day to bleed, I'm not that. I can't fight the desire to drink away my sadness or numb my feelings and emotions but I can fight the urge to hurt myself. Nothin will be enough or too much to give up. I'm beyond that, so....
I find when you think your at the end, it's important to remember the beginning. "American Beauty" changed my life. I saw it my sophmore year in College at Marist College. At the time I didn't know what the fuck I was gonna do with myself, with my life, "today is the first day of the rest of your life"........And? So what. Often the things that depress me the most are the social norms. Where am I in the phase of my life compared to where I should be like my peers in theirs. And I'm never jealous but I'm influenced by it greatly. I was studying advertising at the time, thinking about doing Journalism. Missing my x-girlfriend/girlfriend who was in Italy at the time. I missed her so much but like always I didn't want her to see me weak like that. So I spoke to her less and less.
The plastic bag scene made me cry from happiness and sadness, it gave me some kind of strength that even though I'm utterly alone, that feeling is just so universal. Beauty does that to you. It fills you up and you get scared that it'll go and you'll never see it again. In a heartbeat, it's there, filling you, driving you, like love and you feel so good cause it's just yours in that moment, and just as you blink your eyes it's gone. And you think you can reach out and grab it and pull it back but like your fingers passing through smoke it's evaporated. When I got back from the Cineama that night I wrote and wrote. I wrote a letter to Kate (my gf) and the next day purchased a camera. I started a documentary that interviewed people about the most random shit I could come up with. The interviews are like an hour each and there's 46 of them, mostly friends and strangers, when I come home I should really edit it together. I think many of their words would touch all of us in that kinda undescribeable beauty, especially since it was a little less then a decade ago.
Moments in American Beauty touched the fuck out of me. Personally, in a very personable way. Good Will Hunting as well. These 2 films have made me know why I love film, why film is what I'm suppose to do with my life. A day will come where the stars are all aligned and a message will come from inside me that transends on each frame. It'll paint those negatives with something spiritual, inspirational, and enlightening. It's a certain clarity that's infinite. Like you feel and here and have that message with you from now on. Time might cloud it's communication but you can always come back to it. When you come back to it, it may not hit you the same way it did the first time but it'll touch that same spot in your soul. Like a purely emotional nostalgia whose meaning will always be undieing.
Will Hunting is talking to his doctor (Robin Williams) near the end of Good Will Hunting. Robin Williams, the psycholigist, has finally gained his trust. Will says that his adopted father puts down a belt, a stick, and a wrench, and tells Will to chose which he's going to beaten with. Robin Williams says "I think I'd go with the stick there chief", and Will says "the wrench, cause fuck him!" Robin Williams moves towards him and says it's not your fault over and over again. Will gets pissed and shoves him but Williams keeps saying it and Will cry's cause all this time he's been blaming himself for a situation he was to weak to escape from.
That's how I feel right now. No I'm not being beaten physically, just emotionally. I'd rather physically, seriously! Why men love bitches? I'm not that man. I loved the pixie, the childish, passionate, sprite and I don't know why it changed. Where the self absorbed, hateful, bitter bitch came from. Yes I thought by doing things right, by having honor and chivilry and love would be enough, enough to keep that goodness that worked. That beautiful chemistry and romance. But it's not and If I don't give up there will be nothing left of me. I have to. By putting my all into her, I've lost the best parts of me for now. Egotistically I thought I'd be the example for the difference in her world, but I see what she does so clearly and whatever I think I may do to change it, she will change as well so to keep her grasp on her reality or relationships still true in her mind. So I gotta walk away, I have to keep to myself for a bit and rerecognize what virtues are indeed my strengths.
I think I'm miserable because A. I'm listening to Mayday Parade - Miserable At Best on repeat now for 3 hours (pathetic) and B. Cause there's no one here to tell me it's not my fault and I still love her even though loving her is being beaten internally with a wrench. I deserve better.
Miserable At Best - Mayday Parade : And this will be the first time that I weep, and I'd talk to you but I can't speak, been 3 whole days since I've had sleep cause I dream of his lips on your cheek, I got the point that I should leave you alone, but we both know that I'm not that strong and I miss the lips that made me fly...
"The thing about change is you never know it's there until it's fully taken over"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
