You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it...Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have...

V for Vendetta (2005)
V: Fortunately, I got to you before they did.
Evey Hammond: You got to me? You did this to me? You cut my hair? You tortured me? You tortured me! Why?
V: You said you wanted to live without fear. I wish there'd been an easier way, but there wasn't.
[Evey whispers, "Oh my God...?]
V: I know you may never forgive me... but nor will you understand how hard it was for me to do what I did. Every day I saw in myself everything you see in me now. Every day I wanted to end it, but each time you refused to give in, I knew I couldn't.
Evey Hammond: You're *sick*! You're *evil*!
V: *You* could've ended it, Evey, you could've given in. But you didn't. Why?
Evey Hammond: Leave me alone! I *hate* you!
V: That's it! See, at first I thought it was hate, too. Hate was all I knew, it built my world, it imprisoned me, taught me how to eat, how to drink, how to breathe. I thought I'd die with all my hate in my veins. But then something happened. It happened to me... just as it happened to you.
Evey Hammond: Shut up! I *don't* want to hear your lies!
V: Your own father said that artists use lies to tell the truth. Yes, I created a lie. But because you believed it, you found something true about yourself.
Evey Hammond: No.
V: What was true in that cell is just as true now. What you felt in there has nothing to do with me.
Evey Hammond: I can't feel *anything* anymore!
V: Don't run from it, Evey. You've been running all your life.
Evey Hammond: [gasps] I can't... can't breathe. Asthma... asthma! When I was little...
[V reaches out his hand, Evey grabs it, they fall to the ground together]
V: Listen to me, Evey. This may be the most important moment of your life. Commit to it.
[Evey continues sobbing]
V: They took your parents from you. They took your brother from you.
[Evey groans]
V: They put you in a cell and took everything they could take except your life. And you believed that was all there was, didn't you? The only thing you had left was your life, but it wasn't, was it?
[Evey sobs, "Oh please...?]
V: You found something else. In that cell you found something that mattered more to you than life. It was when they threatened to kill you unless you gave them what they wanted... you told them you'd rather die. You faced your death, Evey. You were calm. You were still.
[Evey continues gasping]
V: Try to feel now what you felt then.
Evey Hammond: [breathes heavily] Oh God... I felt...
V: Yes?
Evey Hammond: I'm dizzy. I need air. Please, I need to be outside.

V: I told you, only truth. For 20 years, I sought only this day. Nothing else existed... until I saw you. Then everything changed. I fell in love with you Evey. And to think I no longer believed I could.
Evey Hammond: But I don't want you to die.
V: That's the most beautiful thing you could have ever given me.

Valerie: In 2002, I fell in love with a girl named Christina. That year I came out to my parents. I couldn't have done it without Chris holding my hand. My father wouldn't look at me. He told me to go and never come back. My mother said nothing. But I'd only told them the truth. Was that so selfish? Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free. I'd always known what I wanted to do with my life and in 2015 I starred in my first film, The Salt Flats. It was the most important role of my life. Not because of my career, but because that was how I met Ruth. The first time we kissed I knew I never wanted to kiss any other lips but hers again. We moved to a small flat in London together. She grew Scarlet Carsons for me in our window box and our place always smelt of roses. Those were the best years of my life.


Valerie: It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. Valerie.

Evey Hammond: [reads] Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici.
V: [translates] By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.
Evey Hammond: Personal motto?
V: From "Faust".
Evey Hammond: That's about trying to cheat the devil, isn't it?
V: It is.

Evey Hammond: Is everything a joke to you, Gordon?
Gordon Deitrich: Only the things that matter.

Gordon Deitrich: You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.

Forrest Gump (1994)
Forrest Gump: Will you marry me?
[Jenny turns and looks at him]
Forrest Gump: I'd make a good husband, Jenny.
Jenny Curran: You would, Forrest.
Forrest Gump: ...But you won't marry me.
Jenny Curran: [sadly] ... You don't wanna marry me.
Forrest Gump: Why don't you love me, Jenny?
[Jenny says nothing]
Forrest Gump: I'm not a smart man... but I know what love is.

Drill Sergeant: Gump! What's your sole purpose in this army?
Forrest Gump: To do whatever you tell me, drill sergeant!
Drill Sergeant: God damn it, Gump! You're a god damn genius! This is the most outstanding answer I have ever heard. You must have a goddamn I.Q. of 160. You are goddamn gifted, Private Gump. Listen up, people...
Forrest Gump: [narrates] Now for some reason I fit in the army like one of them round pegs. It's not really hard. You just make your bed real neat and remember to stand up straight and always answer every question with "Yes, drill sergeant."
Drill Sergeant: ...Is that clear?
Forrest Gump: Yes, drill sergeant!

Forrest Gump: [running] I had run for 3 years, 2 months, 14 days, and 16 hours.

Forrest Gump: I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin' around accidental-like on a breeze. But I, I think maybe it's both.

Forrest Gump: You died on a Saturday morning. And I had you placed here under our tree. And I had that house of your father's bulldozed to the ground. Momma always said dyin' was a part of life. I sure wish it wasn't. Little Forrest, he's doing just fine. About to start school again soon. I make his breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. I make sure he combs his hair and brushes his teeth every day. Teaching him how to play ping-pong. He's really good. We fish a lot. And every night, we read a book. He's so smart, Jenny. You'd be so proud of him. I am. He, uh, wrote a letter, and he says I can't read it. I'm not supposed to, so I'll just leave it here for you. Jenny, I don't know if Momma was right or if, if it's Lieutenant Dan. I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time. I miss you, Jenny. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away.

Forrest Gump: You know it's funny what a young man recollects? 'Cause I don't remember bein' born. I don't recall what I got for my first Christmas and I don't know when I went on my first outdoor picnic. But I do remember the first time I heard the sweetest voice in the wide world.

Forrest Gump: We was always taking long walks, and we was always looking for a guy named "Charlie".

Forrest Gump: My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on.

So I'm in the middle of editting the final draft of my 7th script and most likely my third feature film. I believe I've achieved Catharsis. "a sudden emotional climax that evokes overwhelming feelings of great sorrow, pity, laughter or any other extreme change in emotion, resulting in restoration, renewal and revitalization in members of the audience". Much of my research used for the first episode in a previous script coupled with an itch of truly understanding Philos-aphilos "Love-in-hate". Let's premise that the maximum love one can give is unconditional love and self sacrifice for belief in that. Now if Philos-aphilos is a parallel in the ancient greek world to the ying and yang symbol of Zen then the maximum hate would be Rage, Masachism, and murder. I believe that simple romantic love is mirrored with hate as to say that whenever that love grows stronger the void it's absence would bring is equally hateful. Throughout ones life there are markers. Emotional mental tabs if I may. These pages are only maximized when situations bring to light familiar feelings which in turn cause a current of reaction uncontrollable. These reactions are only controllable when you isolate them separate to the event at hand like a spiritual awakening.

Most of the time we are creatures of habit. We awake. We feed, clean, and dress ourselves then bus our asses to work. These are simple examples of habit. While more complicated habits are defense mechanisms or codependancy issues. A death close to you in your youth may result in you having strong abandonment issues. In some cases holding on too tightly and in others constantly running away. These are often refered to as walls as well. Why do we put up walls? To protect ourselves, duh. The irony of coarse is that we put up walls to protect ourselves but in the habit of that protection also block or thwart the best things in life. Which to go back to a previous blog is to live in the present. I trust my feeling just as much as the next person but as I have explored more and more my own walls, reactions, and emotions in a somewhat safe environment I've noticed some of these feelings have no place. They're not provoked or enabled by the present. They're enabled by the past and strangely enough that past isn't the truth, it's a lie. It's the way that I decifered a past in a momentary protection reaction. In order to truly have closure and confront this lie, a situation has to arise that's similar or you need to meditate on the specific situation and sit with it. Break it down scientifically like what exactly do I remember, was there someone else there as a witness? What were the causes?

To go back to what I was saying in the beginning about Catharsis. I believe when you take a story that may or may not easily be qualified in such a broad audience of people, one character's reactions can be understood. So that if the story is told correctly you put yourself in their shoes. In previous scripts I've put in way too much dialogue, which now being somewhat pleased with myself and my growth and maturity I see as filler. This tale however needs no filler. Self discovery and hidden pockets of support and good will is enough of a driving force to bring forgiveness center stage. I'm buying my website back. The script will be posted there on November 7th along with the production schedule, crew listings, and musical soundtrack for all whose interested.

Btw it has occurred to me that all these films I've posted are majority from 2000 or the 90's come January as a motion to surpress and knowledgefully reflect (not cause I'm going back to school and will be forced to or anything I swear) the past past, oh yes primarily B&W.

I'll tell you in another life, when we are both cats

Gattaca (1997)
Vincent: There's no gene for fate.

Vincent: He had everything except desire

Vincent: I was never more certain of how far away I was from my goal than when I was standing right beside it

Vincent: They used to say that a child conceived in love has a greater chance of happiness. They don't say that anymore

Vincent: [narrating] I belonged to a new underclass, no longer determined by social status or the color of your skin. No, we now have discrimination down to a science.

Jerome: I got the better end of the deal. I only lent you my body - you lent me your dream

Vincent: Is the only way you can succeed is to see me fail?

Vincent: You are the authority on what is not possible, aren't you Irene? They've got you looking for any flaw, that after a while that's all you see. For what it's worth, I'm here to tell you that it is possible. It is possible.

Vincent: A year is a long time.
Irene: Not so long. Just once around the sun.

Title Card: "Consider God's handiwork; who can straighten what He hath made crooked?" - Ecclesiastes 7:13

Vanilla Sky (2001)
Sofía: I'll tell you in another life, when we are both cats.

David: Do you remember what you told me once? That every passing minute is a another chance to turn it all around.
Sofía: I'll find you again.
David: I'll see you in another life... when we are both cats.

Brian: Just remember, the sweet is never as sweet without the sour, and I know the sour.

David: My dreams are a cruel joke. They taunt me. Even in my dreams I'm an idiot... who knows he's about to wake up to reality. If I could only avoid sleep. But I can't. I try to tell myself what to dream. I try to dream that I am flying. Something free. It never works...

Julie: Don't you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not.

David: See, I've got this little problem. I've got a stalker.
Sofía: It doesn't sound life threatening.
David: But I need a cover. I need for you to pretend we're having a scintillating conversation, and you are wildly entertained.
[Both laugh]
David: I know it's tough.
Sofía: I'll improvise.

David: Look at us. I'm frozen and you're dead, and I love you.
Sofía: It's a problem.
David: I lost you when I got in that car. I'm sorry.

Brian: You will never know the exquisite pain of the guy, who goes home alone.

David: My father wrote about this in his book. Chapter 1... Page 1... Paragraph 1: What is the answer to 99 out of 100 questions?... Money.

David: Doc, once you've been driven off a bridge at 80 miles an hour, somehow you don't invite happiness in without a full body search.

David: I want to live a real life... I don't want to dream any longer.

Sofía: Do you love me? I mean really love me. Because if you don't... I'll just have to kill you.

David: I like your life.
Sofía: Well, it's mine and you can't have it!

Edmund: There are no guarantees, but remember: Even in the future, the sweet is never as sweet without the sour.

Edmund: You were missed, David. It was Sofia who never fully recovered. It was she who some how knew you best... and like you, she never forgot that one night where true love seemed possible.


This morning I'd like to take a brief moment to talk about 2 topics. First off, rebirth. How much time does one need to spend in preverbial shadow and night before being reborn into a new reality of their own design. For the past 6 months I've lingered in darkness, perpetual night both literally and non-literal. I've slept all day and been awake all night. This morning I woke up at 6 am and walked to the beach and greeted the day with kisses of sunlight caressing my eyelids awake. In the program I've been Auditing (Friends of Bill) they talk often about how people with this affliction hold onto resentment indefinately unless they're honest with A. It's origins, and B. the nature in which it affects you, specifically. This morning I felt like a phoenix rising from the ashes. There are possibilities. No longer do I need to hold onto things and feverish thoughts that have held me down. If I want to make another film, I need a script that sells itself which will take some tweeking on scripts I've done but it's do-able. I start school again in January and I've been trying to figure out what position is more of a settled down career like teaching or business, law, or banking. But there's still plenty of fight left to do something harder then follow the group. Just because I'm surrounded by this standardized life like settle into a stable career, get married, and buy stuff doesn't mean that I have to follow suit.

The struggle is important. The second topic I wanted to discuss is destiny. Are we pre-destined. Is what we become imprinted on our DNA before we even get started doing. I ask this because my father around this time in his life 29, still had about a year left of school and was thinking what job he should be doing to marry my mother and settle down. I'm left pondering often if I can follow suit and if I want to. And I don't. I'd like to be more, do more, help more. While in hibernation I've noticed things getting more and more closed. I had to privatize my myspace and facebook cause the new way of shutting down a prospective employee is looking at how much scandalus stuff they have on there page. How much failure does it take to callit quits and the correct answer is there is never enough failure. Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn. This morning I'm willing to be taught. My clay has still not hardened.

Today's gonna be a great day, don't ask me how I know. Somehow I just know which is a great F'en feeling. I think I've had enough of the sour to appreciate the sweet. The resentment and bitterness has been around long enough for me to stop thinking "once you've been driven off a bridge at 80 miles an hour, somehow you don't invite happiness in without a full body search". It's time to just let it in.

You believe a man can change his destiny... I think a man does what he can, until his destiny is revealed.

The Last Samurai (2003)
Emperor Meiji: Tell me how he died.
Algren: I will tell you how he lived.

Algren: There is Life in every breath...
Katsumoto: That is, Bushido.

Algren: I will miss our conversations.

Katsumoto: You believe a man can change his destiny?
Algren: I think a man does what he can, until his destiny is revealed.

Algren: [shouting] What do you want from me?
Katsumoto: What do you want for yourself?

Katsumoto: The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life.

Algren: This is Katsumoto's sword. He would have wanted you to have it. He hoped with his dying breath that you would remember his ancestors who held it, and what they died for. May the strength of the Samurai always be with you.

Algren: There was once a battle at a place called Thermopylae, where three hundred brave Greeks held off a Persian army of a million men... a million, you understand this number?
Katsumoto: I understand this number.

Algren: [narrating] They are an intriguing people. From the moment they wake they devote themselves to the perfection of whatever they pursue. I have never seem such discipline. I am surprised to learn that the word Samurai means, 'to serve', and that Katsumoto believes his rebellion to be in the service of the Emperor.

Algren: [narrating] Winter, 1877. What does it mean to be Samurai? To devote yourself utterly to a set of moral principles. To seek a stillness of your mind. And to master the way of the sword.

Algren: [narrating] Spring, 1877. This marks the longest I've stayed in one place since I left the farm at 17. There is so much here I will never understand. I've never been a church going man, and what I've seen on the field of battle has led me to question God's purpose. But there is indeed something spiritual in this place. And though it may forever be obscure to me, I cannot but be aware of its power. I do know that it is here that I've known my first untroubled sleep in many years.

Emperor Meiji: My ancestors have ruled Japan for 2,000 years. And for all that time we have slept. During my sleep I have dreamed. I dreamed of a unified Japan. Of a country strong and independent and modern... And now we are awake. We have railroads and cannon and Western clothing. But we cannot forget who we are. Or where we come from.

Katsumoto: What happened to the warriors at Thermopylae?
Algren: Dead to the last man.

Higen: Will you fight the white men, too?
Algren: If they come here, yes.
Higen: Why?
Algren: Because they come to destroy what I have come to love.


300 (2006)

Xerxes: There will be no glory in your sacrifice. I will erase even the memory of Sparta from the histories! Every piece of Greek parchment shall be burned. Every Greek historian, and every scribe shall have their eyes pulled out, and their tongues cut from their mouths. Why, uttering the very name of Sparta, or Leonidas, will be punishable by death! The world will never know you existed at all!
King Leonidas: The world will know that free men stood against a tyrant, that few stood against many, and before this battle was over, even a god-king can bleed.

Dilios: "Remember us." As simple an order as a king can give. "Remember why we died." For he did not wish tribute, nor song, nor monuments nor poems of war and valor. His wish was simple. "Remember us," he said to me. That was his hope, should any free soul come across that place, in all the countless centuries yet to be. May all our voices whisper to you from the ageless stones, "Go tell the Spartans, passerby, that here by Spartan law, we lie."

Stelios: It's an honor to die at your side.
King Leonidas: It's an honor to have lived at yours.

Queen Gorgo: Spartan!
King Leonidas: Yes, my lady?
Queen Gorgo: Come back with your shield, or on it.
King Leonidas: Yes, my lady.

Dilios: The old ones say we Spartans are descended from Hercules himself. Bold Leonidas gives testament to our bloodline. His roar is long and loud.

[Gorgo waking up from Leonidas stroking her back]
Queen Gorgo: Your lips can finish what your fingers have started... or has the Oracle robbed you of your desire as well?
King Leonidas: It would take more than the words than a drunken adolescent girl to rob me of my desire of you.

Messenger: What makes this woman think she can speak among men?
Queen Gorgo: Because only Spartan women give birth to real men.

Queen Gorgo: Freedom isn't free at all, that it comes with the highest of costs. The cost of blood.

King Leonidas: Then what must a king do to save his world when the very laws he has sworn to protect force him to do nothing?
Queen Gorgo: It is not a question of what a Spartan citizen should do, nor a husband, nor a king. Instead, ask yourself, my dearest love, what should a free man do?

Xerxes: It isn't wise to stand against me, Leonidas. Imagine what horrible fate awaits my enemies when I would gladly kill any of my own men for victory.
King Leonidas: And I would die for any one of mine.

Spartan King Leonidas: Give them nothing! But take from them everything!

Dilios: "Goodbye my love." He doesn't say it. There's no room for softness... not in Sparta. No place for weakness. Only the hard and strong may call themselves Spartans. Only the hard, only the strong.

Dilios: Sire, any message...?
King Leonidas: For the Queen?
[Dilios nods. Leonidas removes the wolf's fang pendant from around his neck, and presses it into Dilios's hand]
King Leonidas: None that need be spoken.

Belief, faith, and will. These things ring throughout my head and heart of late. I wish to no longer question. Just to know for a bit what my plite is and stay the coarse without fear of rejection or mistake. How long can I go with minimal doubt of what's going on. This life is a rollercoaster. Often I go 2 or 3 days without any doubt. Considerable confidence and not a single thought of fear, loneliness, or anger, but then without warning as if the rug I had been standing on that had given me the strength to do, feel, and speak so had been taken from beneath my feet. I'm then left to wait for it to pass. What I've noticed more and more though is that the moment I can get out of myself, or listen to someone elses problems or thoughts I feel better.

I've wanted to site these movies for sometime. Trying to find a connection between them and me without stating the obvious because listed here are a variety of movies about war. I wouldn't consider myself a warrior nor have I really had an desire to kill. But I appreciate the simple man that can. I appreciate people that have that virtue. Something they believe in so much that they would give their life to uphold it. The more I think about it the more it rings true that that belief is their life force. Much similiar to a priest who believe god has indeed given him a calling.

In this modern age of man the struggles of man vs himself and environment is like war. You can't control what other people think about you but you can limit how much of yourself they get to see. Even though it's not said in the 300 but there's hints at it. It is said in The Last Samurai. Algren is sitting on the porch with the son of this warriors that he killed. The kid says in Japanesse that he would be afraid to die in battle and Algren says so would he and the kid is like but you've been in so many battles and Algeren is like I've been afraid everytime. One of the last quotes that I posted from the 300 is " Dilios: "Goodbye my love." He doesn't say it. There's no room for softness... not in Sparta. No place for weakness. Only the hard and strong may call themselves Spartans. Only the hard, only the strong. " I think that there's no place for weakness in the public eye. There is weakness but the point is to never show it.

I think the human condition is to share it. To have someone or a connection to someone to let that out. It's written in some of the texts I'm reading but not everyone is that person. I think it takes more patience just to find people of that likeness, that like you for you and have taken the time which is a lot longer than a couple of months to get to know that about you. I think women do see sensitive men as weak. While as other men or other sensitive men see it as normal. It's strange talking about it. But I've found that I find strength hearing other peoples insecurities. I don't feel completely overwhelmed by my past. What I might have done different does make me question. A friend said earlier tonight that until you have all your needs, habits, and solutions to satisfy and confront them honestly that it doesn't matter what other catylists or people or things you add to the mix. You need to dismantle yourself everyday. He countiued to say that before you had baggage or experiences that dictates your habits now, your emotions and feelings and reactions helped you get out of yourself, while now as I have noticed as well they hinder in the process. Which is why he preceeded to tell me other people and their take on things helps you.

He said help others. Which in simplicist terms is an ear and a hug. If you can do that for someone else it'll make it easier to accept it yourself. It helps in allowing yourself to be forgiven by forgiving someone else. Anyway just my thoughts tonight.

Confront me if I don't ask for help

Trainspotting (1996)
Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: I don't feel the sickness yet, but it's in the post. That's for sure. I'm in the junkie limbo at the moment. Too ill to sleep. Too tired to stay awake, but the sickness is on its way. Sweat, chills, nausea. Pain and craving. A need like nothing else I've ever known will soon take hold of me. It's on its way.

Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: Swanney taught us to adore and respect the national health service. For it was the source of much of our gear. We stole drugs. We stole prescriptions or bought them, sold them, swapped them, forged them, photocopied them. Or traded drugs with cancer victims, alcoholics, old-age pensioners, AIDS patients, epileptics, and bored housewives.

Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: Thank you, your honor. With God's help I'll conquer this terrible affliction.

Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: [narrating] I wished that I'd gone down instead of Spud. Here I was surrounded by my family and my so-called mates and I've never felt so alone. Never in all my puff. Since I was on remand, they've had me on this program, this state sponsored addiction. Three sickly sweet doses of methadone a day instead of smack. But it's never enough. And at the moment it's nowhere near enough. I took all three this morning and now I've got eighteen hours to go until my next shot. I've got sweat on my back like a layer of frost. I need to visit the Mother Superior for one hit. One final hit to get us over this long, hard day.
Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: What's on the menu this evening, Sir?
Swanney: Your favorite dish.
Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: Excellent.
Swanney: Your usual table, Sir.
Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: Oh, why thank you.
Swanney: Would Sir care to pay for his bill in advance?
Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: No. Stick it on my tab.
Swanney: Ah, regret to inform, sir, credit limit was reached and breached quite some time ago.
Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: Oh, well in that case...
[hands him some cash]
Swanney: Ah, hard currency. Thank you, Sir. Can't be too careful these days. Would Sir care for a starter of some garlic bread perhaps?
Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: No, thank you. I will proceed directly to the intravenous injection of hard drugs, please.

Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: [narrating] Take the best orgasm you've ever had... multiply it by a thousand, and you're still nowhere near it.
Allison: It beats any meat injection. That beats any fucking cock in the world.

Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: We called him Mother Superior on account of the length of his habit.

Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: The downside of coming off junk was I knew I would need to mix with my friends again in a state of full consciousness. It was awful. They reminded me so much of myself, I could hardly bear to look at them.

Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: [narrating] Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

28 Days (2000)
Gwen Cummings: Don't be someone else's slogan because you are poetry

Gwen Cummings: I am having a bad day! The worst damn day of my whole damn life! If it is not too much to ask will you all just back the fuck off!

Lily: Gwen, you make it impossible to love you.

Gwen Cummings: God, I love afternoons like this. You know what's missing in this afternoon? That I don't have a very dry vodka martini with two olives in a chilled glass. God, I miss that.
Eddie Boone: You know, lately I've been lying awake at night thinking of all the dumb-ass things I've done when i was messed up. One night last year, at dinner, I threw up all over my glazed ham. Then I was thinking, "Well, maybe nobody noticed."
Gwen Cummings: I don't think of it as a garnish.
Eddie Boone: Yeah, I'm a winner. Oh, God. You know what the worse one was? For me? My best friend in the whole world. Grew up playing ball, hunting and fishing. One Sunday morning, he walks in on me and his wife in bed. You never live that one down. Tell me one of yours.
Gwen Cummings: Excuse me?
Eddie Boone: What's the worse thing you ever did when you were messed up.
Gwen Cummings: Oh... Uh. I don't know
Eddie Boone: Oh, come on. Give me a couple, I'll pick one.
Gwen Cummings: I don't really remember any.
Eddie Boone: I just told you some stuff that's... you know.
Gwen Cummings: I'm a drunk. Drunks forget everything, you know?
Eddie Boone: Come on.
Gwen Cummings: Why? So I recount the last 15 disgusting years of my life to humilate myself? No thanks.
Eddie Boone: Why not?
Gwen Cummings: Because I don't feel like it. I don't feel like talking about it.
Eddie Boone: What's a matter? You too good for me?
Gwen Cummings: What, are you dense? Did your mom drop you on your head? I said No I don't want to talk about it, so just drop it.

Gwen Cummings: It was the most unbelievable episode. I wish you'd seen it. Everyone was losing their minds. What are you doing?
Andrea: Packing. What does it look like?
Gwen Cummings: You're not leaving for another couple of days.
Andrea: So? I am leaving. Might as well get ready. There's no point in making this room all homey if I'm only going to be here for only, like, 42 more hours.
Gwen Cummings: Come on. There's twenty minutes left til curfew. Let's get some ice cream. Satisify those sugar cravings of yours.
Andrea: No thanks.
Gwen Cummings: You don't have to do this, you know.
Andrea: Do what? How do you know what I have to do? Have you ever left rehab before?
Gwen Cummings: No but I...
Andrea: Okay, but nothing. You've never left rehab before, so you don't know what you're talking about.
Gwen Cummings: True, but I have been a part of some very emotional sing outs...
Andrea: Oh, God. I'm sorry. You sang "Lean on Me" a few times. The stupidest freaking cheesy song ever. Oh well, my mistake. You must know about leaving rehab better than anyone.

Lily: The only thing I told you was how a pain in the ass you were.
Gwen Cummings: well I am a pain in the ass
Lily: Even a pain in the ass needs, someone, to take care of them. I didn't do that, I didn't and, I should have. I should have helped you with your homework, I should have walked you home after school. Sometimes I'd be walking with my friends and I'd see you half a block ahead, all alone. You were so little.
Gwen Cummings: Well so where you
Lily: Yeh
Gwen Cummings: Well, I never asked for help so...
Lily: But you needed it, didn't you. I mean everybody does
Gwen Cummings: Yep... I'm sorry I make it so impossible to love me...
[crying]
Lily: You make it impossible for me not to love you

Gwen Cummings: Yeah, I know I drink a lot, I know I do because I'm a writer and that's what I do, I drink. I'm not like those people out there, I can control myself! I can, if - that - if I wanted to, I could, if I wanted. I can! I can!

Andrea: Just so you know, I wasn't trying to off myself or anything.
Gwen Cummings: Okay.
Andrea: It's just something I do sometimes.
Gwen Cummings: Doesn't it hurt?
Andrea: Feels better.
Gwen Cummings: Than what?
Andrea: Everything else.

Jasper: No one adult human being is happy! People are born, they have a limited amount of time going around thinking life is dandy but then, inevitably, tragedy strikes and they realise life equals loss! The whole point of the game is to minimise the pain caused by that equation! Now some people do it by having kids, or making money, or taking up coin collecting, and others do it by getting wasted.
Gwen Cummings: Nobody gets hurt collecting coins.
Jasper: Everybody hurts everybody it's the human condition!

Gwen Cummings: Why do you want me Jasper? I am such a mess.
Jasper: Maybe I like mess.

Betty: Tonight's lecture: Are you a blackout drunk, or don't you remember?

Twelve Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

So I've been sober for 42 days, woohoo the crowd goes wild, however in many of the rooms I spend my evenings in there are lots of old folks who have 8+ years of sobriety under their belts. I've been to A.A. before. Once in 2000 after being released from the Dutchess County Mental Health Center, then again in 2002 quickly after my release from the Mercy Hospital Psych ward. Both times I never lasted as long as I have now and when I think back in actuality these 42 days is most likely the longest I've been sober consecutively in a decade. It's weird, in the meetings there are hand fulls of people my age who are mandated to be there for stepping outside the lines of societal acception. That's right criminals. It's hard coming to terms that you have a problem. My problem isn't alcohol. My problem is more. I'm addicted to more. I'm an alcoholic cause it's the most easily accessable. I could go out right now and a grab a bottle and be tanked an hour from now. I'd prefer exctasy though. Out of everything I've used alcohol, coke, acid, mushrooms, pcp, coke, crack, weed, codein, vikatin, ether, sex, and paint thinner. If I could go to the pharmacy or a descently unskeevy unshady drug dealer, exctasy would be the "more" that I'd prefer. I have antic dotes that get me by like when I'm offered something I say I do drink poisen.

I started drinking when I was 14 from greek social gatherings to stealing bottles of liquer from my parents liquir cabinet for camping trips. An A.A. member spoke earlier last week and his words really hit home. He said when we start out drinking it's all in good fun with the consequences being tiny not even noticeable things, however as time passes the consequences get bigger and bigger. Jail time and death being the most notiable. Quick story, a year ago this past May I got out of a moving car doing about 40 km an hour, got off the pavement with my shoulder broken gushing blood out of my face and arm and went home and thought I'd just sleep it off. Thank god my roommate was awake and responsible, I'd probably be dead. As soon as I cross over from slightly buzzed to drunk my cute charming personality turns into a godlike fierce ego trip which is unstoppable. For the past 6 months my drinking and drug use was primarily a tool for escape and escape alone, until finally 3 days in a row, 42 days ago, I just didn't want to wake up, I wished I was dead. It had made my life unmanageable and what good things I do have going for me were no where in sight. I needed hope that it could get better. That there's more to life then self pity for the countless mistakes, that even though I don't have a clean slate, this life deserves a second chance.

I want it to take. Like as much as I have said in the past that you have subconsious baggage that weighs you down, you got a duality of how other percieve you and how you percieve yourself, you have emotions and feelings that run wild at certain times with catalysts, I want to believe you can reprogram yourself. I will soon know that with the addition of drugs and alcohol people like a part of me which isn't me. At least without that addition I know what I'm doing, where I've been, and what I've said. That kind of truth is sobering. I want this. I want to know that there is a real me that's reacting or impacting a real reality. This person is responsible for his actions.

I put the twelve steps up, cause they're repeated over and over again at each meeting I attend. The first step I've accepted as true. Your not allowed to skip steps or do them at your own conveince. So I haven't really come to terms with that power greater than myself. I consider myself spiritual but as for a definition of what or who to pray to in that instance. Furthermore they imply you should ask for help and share your feelings (a truly north american concept) which I'm still struggling with. I pray in the near future that I can let go of not just past experiences that lead to my desire for an emotion numbing thingy to make me feel better but just the control. It's a constant and extremely hard to get a handle on. In a previous blog I talked about Zen. So I might turn to the Buddha to be my higher power and hopefully effectively catch myself when my ego thinks it has or can find all the answers, ideally stop it before it makes frustration and anger and uncontrollable force. In 28 days, Gwenn is forced to wear a sign around her neck that says "confront me if I don't ask for help", brilliant, I can relate.

Earlier today I was watching a documentary called "What the bleep do we know". Again another good foundation for letting go and making something that seems impossible.... possible.

Most of the sex I've had in my life was not as personal as that kiss

Elizabethtown (2005)
Drew Baylor: [embracing] Please don't take this as rejection.
Claire Colburn: I really don't.

Hollie Baylor: Don't expect to be making any friends.
Heather Baylor: Drew doesn't have friends, Mom.
Drew Baylor: I have friends!

Drew Baylor: I'm gonna have to call you back...
Heather Baylor: Okay, just dial HELL and i'll answer.

Claire Colburn: Trust me. Everybody is less mysterious than they think they are.

Claire Colburn: We peaked on the phone.

Claire Colburn: I'm impossible to forget, but I'm hard to remember.

Drew Baylor: So what are you doing right now?
Claire Colburn: [referring to Drew] I'm checking out this cute guy...
Drew Baylor: [disgusted face] Why are you telling me that?

Drew Baylor: [voiceover] There's a diffrence between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is merely the absence of success. Any fool can achieve failure. But a fiasco, a fiasco is a disaster of epic propotions. A fiasco is a folk tale told to other's to make other people feel more alive because it didn't happen to them.

Claire Colburn: Do you ever just think I'm fooling everybody?
Drew Baylor: You have no idea.

Claire Colburn: Men see things in a box, and women see them in a round room.

Claire Colburn: I think I've been asleep most of my life.
Drew Baylor: Me too.

Claire Colburn: What they say is, it *will* hit you, it could be ten minutes or it could be ten years from now.

Claire Colburn: Hey, you're only 45 minutes away. You wanna meet halfway and see the sunrise? At this point it's probably easier to stay up!
Drew Baylor: You think so?
Claire Colburn: I think that's what "they" say!

Drew Baylor: You know, there is nothing greater than deciding in your life that things maybe really are black and white! And this guy Ben, who clearly takes you for granted, who serially takes advantage of you, is bad! And what I'm saying is good! See what I mean? You shouldn't be the substitute for anybody. This guy should be right here, right now, doing this

Claire Colburn: Most of the sex I've had in my life was not as personal as that kiss.

Drew Baylor: No true fiasco ever began as a quest for mere adequacy. A motto of the British Special Air Force is: 'Those who risk, win.' A single green vine shoot is able to grow through cement. The Pacific Northwestern salmon beats itself bloody on it's quest to travel hundreds of miles upstream against the current, with a single purpose, sex of course, but also... life

Claire Colburn: [voice over] Some music *needs* air. Roll down your window

Claire Colburn: And so we all became helpers, which I *so* can't help. I can't help helping.

Claire Colburn: I've spent so much time thinking about all the answers to the problem, that I forget what the problem *actually* was.

Chuck Hasboro: Death and life. And death and life. Right *next door* to each other! There's like, there's a hair between them.

Drew Baylor: Because we have a moment here, let me tell you that I have recently become a secret connoisseur of 'last looks'. You know the way people look at you when they believe it's for the last time? I've started collecting these looks.

Claire Colburn: I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened.

Claire Colburn: Sadness is easier because its surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free

Claire Colburn: So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling.

Drew Baylor: In that moment, I knew success, not greatness, was the only god the world served.

Drew Baylor: And who says we have to listen to 'them'?
Claire Colburn: *They* do!

When Harry Met Sally... (1989)

Sally Albright: Harry, you're going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them.

Harry Burns: I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.
Sally Albright: What?
Harry Burns: I love you.
Sally Albright: How do you expect me to respond to this?
Harry Burns: How about, you love me too.
Sally Albright: How about, I'm leaving.

Harry Burns: I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Sally Albright: I don't have to take this crap from you.
Harry Burns: If you're so over Joe, why aren't you seeing anyone?
Sally Albright: I see people.
Harry Burns: See people? Have you slept with one person since you broke up with Joe?
Sally Albright: What the hell does that have to do with anything? That will prove I'm over Joe? Because I fuck somebody? Harry, you're gonna have to move back to New Jersey because you've slept with everybody in New York and I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you. Besides, I will make love to somebody when it is making love. Not the way you do it like you're out for revenge or something.
Harry Burns: ...Are you finished now?
Sally Albright: ...Yes.
Harry Burns: Can I say something?
Sally Albright: Yes.
Harry Burns: ...I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Harry Burns: It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk.

Sally Albright: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants.
Harry Burns: Ehhhh. I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"?
Sally Albright: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.
Harry Burns: What?
Sally Albright: They don't make Sunday.
Harry Burns: Why not?
Sally Albright: Because of God.

Harry Burns: Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.
Marie: Harry.
Harry Burns: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE.
Jess: I thought you liked it?
Harry Burns: I was being nice.

Sally Albright: Is Harry bringing anybody to the wedding?
Marie: I don't think so.
Sally Albright: Is he seeing anybody?
Marie: He was seeing this anthropologist, but...
Sally Albright: What's she look like?
Marie: Thin. Pretty. Big tits. Your basic nightmare.

Sally Albright: You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you.

Harry Burns: Had my dream again where I'm making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

Harry Burns: And was it worth it? The sacrifice for a friend you don't even keep in touch with?
Sally Albright: Harry, you might not believe this, but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.

Harry Burns: You take someone to the airport, its clearly the beginning of the relationship. That's why I have never taken anyone to the airport at the beginning of a relationship.
Sally Albright: Why?
Harry Burns: Because eventually things move on and you don't take someone to the airport and I never wanted anyone to say to me, How come you never take me to the airport anymore?
Sally Albright: Its amazing. You look like a normal person but actually you are the angel of death.

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

Harry Burns: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally Albright: Which one am I?
Harry Burns: You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.

A bit of a rant and in the spirit of putting it all out there I thought today I'd just let it all out so with that said. I think I'll clear the air cause something has been bothering me, feel free to comment or not comment. 5 people read this blog other than random reads and I have no idea who those are cause they never comment. However as for those who do comment, 3 commenters are purely on myspace or facebook and never on the actual blog. As for the other 2, one I know is my best friends fiance's best friend and an other who I assumed was someone. I don't assume that anymore and in general I'm sorta just thankful that anyone is reading it and can relate. In general, I posted a link to the blog on myspace back in January and it was just kinda a big manipulative mess. I do that when I'm angry, sad, and basically feel out of control. That being, I manipulate something in an attempt to regain control, never actually regaining control. Plotting, scheming, and executing a big ugly if y then x logic of making my world at peace again. I say and believe that you can't control what other people think or do, but it's safe to say even though I believe that, that subconciously I still have attempted to control what people think and do. Why is that? It's because simple wants, all you need to rely on is yourself, where as complicated wants you need others. A complicated want that I want is to be happy and productive, and in my own mind trying to recall, I have never achieved that except when I've been in love. I miss it.

Early today I recieved a comment from the love of my life and it sent me on a lovely trip down memory lane and essentially made me start believing something that is truely scary. That being without this person in my life I'm bound to be unhappy and unproductive. Why haven't I made another film? Because I don't have her and even at her worst she is the best part of me. I was always better with her than without. Which brings me to a good comparison of two films and essentially something that is my dissertation to love or about love and how it evloves.

Elizabethtown, Garden State, Benny and June, When Harry Met Sally, 10 things I hate about you, and countless others. A good love story is not something that you go into thinking I wanna be in love. I'm searching for my soulmate. A good love story, when it takes effect in real life not the movies (even though I am trying to relate them), in real life, the good love story just works, it doesn't need extra effort. It peeks with honesty and without alterior motive. It's in essence more a story of self relization in each character. It's the beginning of a great friendship, innocent, and makes both parties better. That's the great love story. In a lot of ways the idea of romance is a blinding word. It's what "they say" but "them" is a group of people that try to dissect the simplicity and beauty of your individual and companion legacy. Romance to "them" is as dirty a word as seduction or intimacy. These words cheapen the actual beauty of love and friendship. I'm in love with the innocense and I can't fall for anyone without it. It's extremely easy to forgo the innocent relationship and dive straight into the adult one. Of my experience I think that's what most do and want. Just to jump straight into the sex and forget what you did as a child before you knew what sex was. In forgetting what sex is your free.

The true beauty of When Harry Met Sally, Elisabethtown, and Garden State is that characters are so involved in their personal lives that the prospect of falling in love never occurs to them or that, that prospect in sought after in so many other different places that the simplicity of where it's found was completely over looked. In other movies the sexual tension between characters is so blatant that you know where the stories going pretty much right as it begins. I will admit that in when harry met sally the title alone leads the horse to water but the tale is note worthy cause you do constantly question how they could get there talking the way they talk to each other. Both Harry and Sally aren't innocently attracted to each other or others until the end. That one scene where she starts crying cause her x is getting married, right before they sleep together. It's pure untainted innocence. When Largemen is at the cliffs of the abyss screaming and sharing the first moment of Garden State where he appreciates being alive and sharing it with his friends, and it dawns on him how he can express that feeling, innocense. In Elisebethtown, when Claire tells Drew to meet her halfway and see the sunrise after they've been talking all night on the phone and simply exploring their true selves, innocence! Anyway that's the glass half full shit I got going today, "And I like you so there's that", your homework is to see Elizabethtown. Thank you for reading all.

the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

Dead Poets Society (1989)
John Keating: No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.

John Keating: They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.

John Keating: O Captain, my Captain. Who knows where that comes from? Anybody? Not a clue? It's from a poem by Walt Whitman about Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Now in this class you can either call me Mr. Keating, or if you're slightly more daring, O Captain my Captain.

John Keating: We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

John Keating: Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.

John Keating: There's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.

Neil: For the first time in my whole life, I know what I wanna do! And for the first time, I'm gonna do it! Whether my father wants me to or not! Carpe diem!

Dalton: [answering phone] Welton Academy, hello. Yes he is, just a moment. Mr. Nolan, it's for you. It's God. He says we should have girls at Welton.

John Keating: Language was developed for one endeavor, and that is - Mr. Anderson? Come on, are you a man or an amoeba?
[pause]
John Keating: Mr. Perry?
Neil: To communicate.
John Keating: No! To woo women!

Neil: [quoting Henry David Thoreau] "I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life."
Dalton: I'll second that.
Neil: "To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived."

McAllister: "Show me the heart unfettered by foolish dreams and I'll show you a happy man."
John Keating: "But only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'Twas always thus, and always thus will be."
McAllister: Tennyson?
John Keating: No, Keating.

John Keating: Close your eyes, close your eyes! Close 'em! Now, describe what you see.
Todd Anderson: Uh, I-I close my eyes.
John Keating: Yes.
Todd Anderson: Uh, and this image floats beside me.
John Keating: A sweaty-toothed madman.
Todd Anderson: A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain.
John Keating: Oh, that's *excellent*! Now, give him action - make him do something!
Todd Anderson: H-His hands reach out and choke me.
John Keating: That's it! Wonderful, wonderful!
Todd Anderson: And all the time he's mumbling.
John Keating: What's he mumbling?
Todd Anderson: Mumbling truth.
John Keating: Yeah, yes.
Todd Anderson: Truth like-like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold.
John Keating: [some of the class start to laugh] Forget them, forget them! Stay with the blanket. Tell me about that blanket!
Todd Anderson: Y-Y-You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying t-to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream.
[long pause then class applauds]
John Keating: Don't you forget this

[Keating stands on his desk]
John Keating: Why do I stand up here? Anybody?
Dalton: To feel taller!
John Keating: No!
[Dings a bell with his foot]
John Keating: Thank you for playing Mr. Dalton. I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.

John Keating: Boys, you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Don't be resigned to that. Break out!

With Honors (1994)
Monty: Why did you say that I was a loser?
Simon Wilder: Winners forget they're in a race, they just love to run. You try too hard.

Simon Wilder: Women. Ain't they perfect?
Monty: Not always.
Simon Wilder: Yes, they are, they're perfect. Don't matter if they're skinny, fat, blond or blue. If a woman is willing to give you her love, Harvard, it's the greatest gift in the world. Makes you taller, makes you smarter, makes your teeth shine. Boy, oh, boy, women are perfect.

Simon Wilder: Know why you hate me so much Jeffrey? Because I look the way you feel.

Simon Wilder: Yes I'm a bum. But I'm a Harvard bum.

Simon Wilder: You asked the question, sir, now let me answer it. The beauty of the Constitution is that it can always be changed. The beauty of the Constitution is that it makes no set law other than faith in the wisdom of ordinary people to govern themselves.
Proffesor Pitkannan: Faith in the wisdom of the people is exactly what makes the Constitution incomplete and crude.
Simon Wilder: Crude? No, sir. Our "founding parents" were pompous, white, middle-aged farmers, but they were also great men. Because they knew one thing that all great men should know: that they didn't know everything. Sure, they'd make mistakes, but they made sure to leave a way to correct them. The president is not an "elected king," no matter how many bombs he can drop. Because the "crude" Constitution doesn't trust him. He's just a bum, okay Mr. Pitkannan? He's just a bum.

Simon Wilder: Which door do I leave from?
Proffesor Pitkannan: At Harvard we don't end our sentences with prepositions.
Simon Wilder: Okay. Which door do I leave from, asshole?

Simon Wilder: Hey, you know what the greatest nation in the world is?
Donation Student: Well I hope it's the USA.
Simon Wilder: Wrong. It's donation.

Everett: Oh sure, you're a mechanic?
Simon Wilder: No, I'm a Zen Buddhist, but that's close enough.

Simon Wilder: Is this a lover's quarrel? Maybe I should leave.
Courtney: We're not lovers, we're roommates and we respect each others' space.
Simon Wilder: You respect each others' empty air? That's very profound for a couple of Harvard students.

Simon Wilder: When it comes to relationships, everyone's a used car salesman. Love People, just don't trust the warrenty.

Simon Wilder: [quoting Walt Whitman, "Song of Myself"] "You shall no longer take things at second or third hand, not look through the eyes of the dead, nor feed on the spectres in books. You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me, you shall listen to all sides and filter them from yourself."

Monty: "He saw the world out of the porthole of a leaky freighter, was a collector of memories, and interrupted a lecture at Harvard. In 50 years on earth he did only one thing he regretted. He is survived by his family: Jeff Hawks, who always remembers to flush; Everett Calloway, who knows how to use words; Courtney Blumenthal, who is strong, and also knows how to love; and by Montgomery Kessler, who will graduate life with honor, and without regret."

I thought maybe just one more then I'll call it a night. Haven't been writing to many of these lately and being brought back to the nineties really got me thinking about movies of the nineties that really inspired me. There are so many great inspirational quotes from "With Honor" and "Dead Poets Society". I recommend if your lacking in the inspirational live your life department that you go and rent yourself "Dead Poets Society" it'll raise your spirits and maybe just might drive you to pick up an old ass book of poems. One of my old bosses used to say that when your young it's like your options are your arms extended and as you get older the expansion closes closer and closer. To quote a movie that will never get on her but had a good solid line, "Friday Night Lights" 17 goes fast, pretty soon it'll be just babies and memories.

Lots of babies and memories going around these days. Lots of people getting married, makes me feel and think the next girl I'm in love with and god willing she's in love with me, we don't waste any time we just up and get married and can god willingly dodge all the bad shit of our past until we're locked down in the institution. I pray that will be enough to inspire us to stay and sit with whatever baggage has made us who we are. Well that's wishful thinking I suppose. Even though there's a constant societal push to be married and have children and have shiny pretty stuff I wouldn't say that that is necasarilly how it will whind up for me. I'm still very much intent on crafting my "verse for the powerful play".

Carpe Diem, cease the carpe :P I'd like to take a moment just to talk about hope, and not my personal hope but my hope for mankind. I saw this music video for Barack Obama on Youtube a couple of weeks ago called yes we can and i almost cried watching it. The United States of America has been a place that other countries have always looked to for freedom, originality, protection, and entertainment. The amount of losses in the last decade of this place has been staggering, from Katrina, to the war, to our economy. The Yes we can video reminded me of a variety of hardships that this country has fought to be constantly evolving to become better, fair, and tolerant of changing times. I really hope Obama wins and democracy is back to being democratic.

That's just something that's been on my mind lately. The other is that our future as far as science feels terribly behind. Like we're not advancing fast enough. When I return to school in the winter I was toying with going for pre-law but I'm teedering on physics, engineering, and applied sciences. I've been pretty creative most my life but as I get older, more mature, and wiser the thought that entertainment is not a medium that will effectively fix or work towards something better. And I want that. Figuring out what I want has been such an up hill battle for the last year or so. Figuring out the best ways to approach these things have been met with failure. Now I believe I should do what others have done before me and build off what has been done to better myself and ideally the world around me and the people I care about.

Forget Regret Or Life Is Yours To Miss

The Butterfly Effect (2004)
Evan: If anyone finds this, it means my plan didn't work and I'm already dead. But if I can somehow go back to the beginning of all of this, I might be able to save her.

Evan: So, should I suck your dick now?

Thumper: Maybe there's a reason you've repressed the day some pervert had you in your tighty-whities.
[glances at Evan's journals]
Thumper: Hey Man, I'd think twice about what you're doing. You could wake up a lot more fucked up than you are now.
Evan: More fucked up than I am? You think you know me? *I* don't even know me!

Kayleigh Miller: Where'd you learn those new tricks?
Evan: What? It... it wasn't... weird... was it?
Kayleigh Miller: Yeah, if you call multiple orgasms weird!

Evan: I just thought that you should know.
Kayleigh Miller: Know what?
Evan: That you were happy once... with me.
Kayleigh Miller: You know there's one major hole in your story, there is no fucking way on this planet, nor any other I would ever be in some fucking sorority.
Evan: [Whispering] You were happy there...

Evan's note to Kayleigh: I'll come back for you

Evan: [to Kayleigh] I've already lost you once, I'm not gonna lose you again.

Jason Treborn: You can't play God son.

Evan: So, do you think it might have worked?
Kayleigh: Yeah... But that's not how things wound up... I'm with Lenny, Lenny is your friend... and that's where it ends.
Evan: Well... Would it make a difference if I told you that no one could possibly ever love anyone as much as I love you?
[Kayleigh looks sympathetic about Evan's feelings]
Evan: ...I'm not saying that, I am just saying it like if you were a girl, would that be something you would want to hear?

Jason Treborn: You can't change who people are without destroying who they were.

Evan: Yeah, you remember me? We had a nice chat once when I was seven...

Title Card: It has been said something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. - Chaos Theory

Evan: When we were kids, your dad was making a movie about "Robin Hood" or something...
Kayleigh Miller: What do you want to know, Evan?
Evan: Is... Did he... What happened in the basement?
Kayleigh Miller: Look, it was a long time ago. Is that why you came all the way back here? To ask a lot of stupid questions about "Robin Hood"?
Evan: No, I... I just think something really bad might of happened.
Kayleigh Miller: Is there a point to any of this?
Evan: Look... what ever happened, it wasn't our fault, we were kids. I mean, there is nothing that we could do to of deserved or could of done...
Kayleigh Miller: Just shut up, Evan, you're wasting your breath.
Evan: You can't hate yourself because you're dads a twisted freak.
Kayleigh Miller: Who are you trying to convince, Evan? You come all the way back here to stir up my shit just because you have a bad memory? What? Do you want me to just cry on your shoulder and tell you everything’s all better now? Well fuck you, Evan. Nothing's all better, okay? Nothing ever gets better. You know, if I was so wonderful Evan, why didn't you call me? Why did you just leave me here to rot?

Evan Treborn at 13: You really have no clue how beautiful you are, do you?

Frequency (2000)
John Sullivan: You on the job?
Jack Shepard: Long time ago. Do I know you?
John Sullivan: Do I look familiar?
Jack Shepard: No. What house you work?
John Sullivan: 7-4 homicide.
Jack Shepard: Hot shot.
John Sullivan: No, just working the job. As a matter of fact, I caught a case that goes back to your day. One of the Nightingale murders.
Jack Shepard: No kidding.
John Sullivan: No. Missing teenager, disappeared back in '68. Found her bones last week buried out by some old diner by Dyckman Street. Mary Finelli. Yeah, talk about dumb luck. The odds of anyone finding that 30 years later and the chance of hitting a dental? Forget about it. The best part is, she's the first victim. She knew the killer, so I bet those old bones are gonna do a lot of talking. Not for nothing, the past is a funny thing. We all have skeletons in the closet, we just don't know when they're gonna pop up and bite us in the ass. Huh, Jack? You changed your MO, 'cause if they knew your mother was the Nightingale, they would have looked at the family. They would have looked at you.
Jack Shepard: What are you looking at?
John Sullivan: Stealing your life away. You went down 30 years ago, pal. You just don't know it yet.

John: I want you to remember this word, okay? It's kind of like a code word: Yahoo. Can you remember that?

Julia Sullivan: What's going on here, Satch?
Satch: Frank says that he talks to Johnny, little Johnny on the radio in the future, and this guy claims to be your son!
Julia Sullivan: Well, I talked to him too, once. He's a cop.
Satch: You talked to the guy on the radio?

Frank Sullivan: [talking about Julia] Well I just knew. She melted my heart. You got anybody?
John Sullivan: Yeah, kinda. Something I gotta work out, but she's worth it.
[pause]
John Sullivan: You go ahead and get some rest. I'm tired too.
Frank Sullivan: I almost don't wanna click off here. Maybe we won't get this back.
John Sullivan: We will.
Frank Sullivan: Ok. I'll be here tomorrow.
John Sullivan: I know.
Frank Sullivan: I love you son.
John Sullivan: I love you too dad. I missed you so much.

Frank Sullivan: John, say hello to my wife Julia.
John Sullivan: Hi.
Julia Sullivan: Hi John. Frank tells me you're a cop.
John Sullivan: Yeah, that's right.
Julia Sullivan: My six year old keeps telling us he wants to be a policeman right after he retires from the majors. We just bought him a badge and a whistle for his birthday.
John Sullivan: Yeah, I remember I used to play cops and robbers all the time, and y - my mom wouldn't let me have a toy gun.
Julia Sullivan: Sounds like your mom and I would get along.
John Sullivan: Yeah, she's pretty special. I'm real proud of her.
Julia Sullivan: I bet she's proud of you too, being a cop and all.
John Sullivan: I hope so. I hope she knows how much I love her.
Julia Sullivan: She knows. Mom's always know how much their kids love them, even if they don't tell them all the time. Well I gotta go. It was good talking to ya John.
John Sullivan: You too.

Frank Sullivan: I don't know who you are, I don't know why you're doing this, but let me tell you something, asshole, you stay away from me and my family.
John Sullivan: Listen, I don't know how this is, but it's me, little Chief.
Frank Sullivan: Hey, hey, I am warning you, you touch my kid, I'll hunt you down 'til the day I die.
John Sullivan: But you already died!
Frank Sullivan: What are you talking about?
John Sullivan: The Buxton fire.
Frank Sullivan: [sarcastically] Oh, and when did that happen, 30 years ago?
John Sullivan: October 12th, 1969.
Frank Sullivan: That's tomorrow, I ain't dyin in no fire tomorrow or any other day, you got that?
John Sullivan: You gotta listen to me, it was an abandoned warehouse. Butch always told Ma it wasn't your fault, you went with your instincts. If you've just gone the other way, you could've made it!

I only know one of one person who thought the butterfly effect was a good movie. So this morning I dusted off the VHS and gave it another once over. I don't know if I liked it anymore than the first time I watched it. I do have a bit of a crush on Amy Smart so that helped. But in general today I've thought about regret. Since I've returned to New York I've done an excellent job of getting back on track and had no expectations allowing the contentness of no disappointment. I'm returning to school in January and slowly but surely filling my schedule with things I wanted to accomplish, never adding more than I can chew and not looking further then tommorrow for what is possible.

Tonight was the season premiere of Heroes and the second chapter was entitled the butterfly affect which inspired this post also. Frequecy in my opinion is a better film not because it's made better but that it's story touches me on a personal level. I believe both films directly relate to something that still to this day I can't let go of. That thing is regret. Many friends say things like they don't regret anything. Like You can't live a fulfilled life with regret holding you down. I think they may be right. But on the other hand the things that happen in your life that you may regret are essentially there to teach you to not make the same mistakes again, not that many second chances going around. You can only hope to be better when a situation that's similar arises. I question those who let go of their regrets do they even see a similar situation to something that could have gone a lot different if just a small little change had taken place.

I suppose that's growth and maturity. Some regrets I have are illusions, like I wish I knew my father better. I wish I knew his story, what drove him, why he did what he did, what was important to him. In conversations with his cousins and my mother when I first arrived home told me that he hated Greece which raises the question did I actually get any closer to him by travelling abroad. I suppose it did if I said I hated greece or greeks too, but I don't.

Blog Writers Top 5 Regrets (I think of them often almost daily)
1. I wish I spent more time listening and getting to know my father (he passed when I was 12) but still to this day that little bit would have changed so much. I think instead of searching on what still seems like an endless quest for meaning and direction, a few words from him would take.
2. I wish I didn't run away or push someone I loved away when they showed me something about themselves that I didn't like or that I hated. I regret doing that. As I mature i see it clearer as my own control issues. If I could go back or just talk to that kid I think I might be able to change his mind.
3. I wish I knew that a friend is a friend is a friend.
4. Wish I didn't pick up alcohol and drugs so early, especially picking up smoking so early in my life after I forced my mother to quit. Looking back when everything is so fresh and new, all brand new feelings, the simplicity of life without that stuff is more than enough.
5. I wish I finished school when it was recommended and I had everything in my favor to achieve it.

Anyhoot that's my piece on regret, which is in simplictic terms disappointment in yourself. All and all if given oppertunities like the past ones I think I will tread more softly. Speak softer and think more. I said once that I don't need anyone. It's only a half truth. I need people to be happy and content. I don't need them to stay alive, you need food, water, shelter, and warmth to do that. But to grow spiritually, intellectually, and humanly, I can't live without them. It's been said that some come across your path that have something to give you then they're gone, some come that you have something to give them, you give it to them and they're gone. I believe today that there are people that you can share and cherish everything with but you yourself must be openned up enough to do that. You gotta let go and just keep giving whether or not there's any return, and maybe just maybe leave it open without closure. For me at least a second chance to be better and emotionally availible and strong would be a testiment to true growth each and everytime it was made possible.

Cause you know I'm the only real thing you got and I'm tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist

Reality Bites (1994)
Vickie: Laney, sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

Michael Grates: Have I stepped over some line in the sands of coolness with you? Because excuse me if somebody doesn't know the secret handshake with you.
Troy Dyer: There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite, but there's no secret handshake.

Lelaina Pierce: I was really going to be somebody by the time I was 23.
Troy Dyer: Honey, all you have to be by the time you're 23, is yourself.
Lelaina Pierce: I don't know who that is anymore.
Troy Dyer: I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again. But I love her.

Troy Dyer: [answering the phone] Hello, you've reached the winter of our discontent.

Lelaina Pierce: I'd like to somehow make a difference in peoples' lives.
Troy Dyer: And I... I would like to buy them all a Coke.
Lelaina Pierce: And you wonder why we never got involved?

Troy Dyer: You can't navigate me. I may do mean things, and I may hurt you, and I may run away without your permission, and you may hate me forever, and I know that scares the living shit outta you 'cause you know I'm the only real thing you got. Lelaina: Yeah well that ain't real much.

Troy Dyer: Did he dazzle you with his extensive knowledge of mineral water? Or was it his in-depth analysis of, uh, uh, Marky Mark that finally reeled you in?

Troy Dyer: There's no point to any of this. It's all just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle... and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.

Lelaina Pierce: I have to work around here, and unfortunately Troy, you are a master at the art of time suckage.

Troy Dyer: Well fuck me for being nice!

Lelaina Pierce: Are you religious?
Michael Grates: Um, uh, I guess uh, I guess I'm, uh a non-practicing Jew.
Lelaina Pierce: Hey, I'm a non-practicing virgin.

Troy Dyer: I'm picking up some very strange vibes. They're of the "I just got laid" variety.

Lelaina Pierce: Alright fine you wanna be in a band fine. Go ahead. Play everynight. Play three times a night! Don't just dick around the same coffee house for five years. Don't dick around with her; or with me. I mean try at something for once in your life, do something about it. But you know what? You better do it now and you better do it fast because the world doesn't owe you any favors.

Lelaina: Can you define "irony"?
Troy Dyer: It's when the actual meaning is the complete opposite from the literal meaning.

Lelaina: Welcome to the world of the emtionally mature. Maybe you've seen Michael, he lives here.

Troy Dyer: [On answering machine] At the beep please leave your name, number and a brief justification for the ontological necessity of modern man's existential dilemma and^Å we'll get back to you

Vicky: My favorite part about graduating now will be dodging my student loan officer for the rest of my life. He will be in cahoots with the Columbia Record and Tape Company guy... been after my ass for years.

Troy: Well, should I get married, should I be good, should I astound the girl next door with my velvet suit and my faustushood and not take her to movies but to cemeteries and tell her stories of werewolf tongues and four clarinets... What 'Hey, That's My Bike' would like to do as a band is travel the countryside like Woody Guthrie.
Sammy: Or Richard Simmons. You know, how in his commercials he surprises people jogging...
Troy: As you can see, I have the occasional run-in with an anti-Hey-That's-My Biker and to those people I say nobody... nobody can eat 50 eggs.

Troy:: See Lainy, this is all we need. A couple of smokes, a cup of coffee, and a little bit of conversation. You and me and five bucks.
Lelaina:: You got it!

High Fidelity (2000)
Rob: Liking both Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel is like supporting both the Israelis and the Palestinians.
Laura: No, it's really not, Rob. You know why? Because Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel make pop records.
Rob: Made. Made. Marvin Gaye is dead. His father shot him.

Rob: Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.

Laura: I'm too tired not to be with you.
Rob: What, so if you had a bit more energy we'd stay split up, but things being as they are, with you being wiped out and all, you want to get back together? Is that it?
Laura: Yeah.

Laura: Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me? Because I want to feel something else than this. It either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.
Rob: No. I only have a few left, I've been saving them for later.
Laura: Right. It'll have to be sex, then.
Rob: Right. Right.

Rob: What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

Rob: It would be nice to think that since I was 14, times have changed. Relationships have become more sophisticated. Females less cruel. Skins thicker. Instincts more developed. But there seems to be an element of that afternoon in everything that's happened to me since. All my romantic stories are a scrambled version of that first one.

Rob: Sometimes I got so bored of trying to touch her breast that I would try to touch her between her legs. It was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting turned down, and asking for 50 grand instead.

Rob: I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

Rob: If you *really* wanted to screw me up, you should've gotten to me earlier.

Rob: [lying in bed imagining the scene] You are as abandoned and noisy as any character in a porn film, Laura. You are Ian's plaything, responding to his touch with shrieks of orgasmic delight. No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than sex you are having with Ian... in my head.

Rob: The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway... I've started to make a tape... in my head... for Laura. Full of stuff she likes. Full of stuff that make her happy. For the first time I can sort of see how that is done.

Rob: John Dillinger was killed behind that theater in a hale of FBI gunfire. And do you know who tipped them off? His fucking girlfriend. All he wanted to do was go to the movies.

Rob: My desert island, all-time, top-five most memorable breakups, in chronological order, are as follows: Alison Ashmore; Penny Hardwick; Jackie Alden; Charlie Nicholson; and Sarah Kendrew. Those were the ones that really hurt. Can you see your name on that list, Laura? Maybe you'd sneak into the top ten. But there's just no room for you in the top five, sorry. Those places are reserved for the kind of humiliation and heartbreak you're just not capable of delivering.

Rob: I could've wound up having sex back there. And what better way to exorcise rejection demons than to screw the person who rejected you, right? But you wouldn't be sleeping with a person, you'd be sleeping with the whole sad, single-person culture. It'd be like sleeping with Talia Shire in Rocky if you weren't Rocky.

Rob: It made sense to pool our collective loathing for the opposite sex, and while we were at it, you get to share a bed with somebody at the same time. We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition.

Rob: What if I was doing something that can't be cancelled?
Laura: Rob, what are you ever doing that can't be cancelled?

Rob: I'm tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...
Laura: Delivers?
Rob: Delivers. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you, so...

Rob: Top five things I miss about Laura. One; sense of humor. Very dry, but it can also be warm and forgiving. And she's got one of the best all time laughs in the history of all time laughs, she laughs with her entire body. Two; she's got character. Or at least she had character before the Ian nightmare. She's loyal and honest, and she doesn't even take it out on people when she's having a bad day. That's character.
[holds up three fingers]
Rob: Three;
[long pause, hesitantly]
Rob: I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry and I don't understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home.
[shakes his head, recollecting, then looks back and lip synchs 'four' while holds up four fingers]
Rob: I really dig how she walks around. It's like she doesn't care how she looks or what she projects and it's not that she doesn't care it's just, she's not affected I guess, and that gives her grace. And five; she does this thing in bed when she can't get to sleep, she kinda half moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number of times... it just kills me. Believe me, I mean, I could do a top five things about her that drive me crazy but it's just your garden variety women you know, schizo stuff and that's the kind of thing that got me here.

Ask and yee shall recieve... sorta. Thanks for the blast from the past. I couldn't very well repost the quotes of garden state that ain't my style and in my opinion they're not in the same catagory. I loved "Reality Bites" though, I saw it in theaters my freshman year of high school. There were a bunch of movies with a similiar theme though. Reality Bites, Threesome, Singles, SLC Punk, and Philidelphia which pushed the envelope on safe sex, Aids, and homosexuality. The 90's were like that, that's when Magic Johnson (a famous basketball player) was diagnosed with Aids and a variety of Homosexual movements were being more publicized. Garden State is a better movie then Reality Bites, it has a message that goes across generations where as Reality Bites is basically my MTV, lash out against our parents, lash out against society, generation x, sexual liberated, not free love but casual sex. I know for a fact that all of us who graduated with a degree that we're not effectively using relate to Vicky's line that I couldn't find but it's when they're on the roof after graduation and she's like my social security number that's all I learned in college.

The soundtrack alone is a giant driving factor. I can say a lot about Reality Bites. We love Troy! Troy says so many things in that movie that your just not suppose to say. Talk about saying the wrong thing at inappreprate times, dudes king for drama king stuff. The thing that Reality Bites and High Fidelity have in common is their both evolved slacker movies. The main charachters are doing just enough to get by, even though Laina in theory wants more by the end she's back to a similar position as Troy and she admires Troy as do we all. Troy is the shit! Rob is too. Why? Cause they voice they're slackerness in a lovely elequient way that seems knowledgeable. They are slackers elite.

One thing I've always appreciated about Reality Bites is the cherished friendship that as soon as a physical relationship, like Vicky says "sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship". It rings true. I don't want it to, as a matter of fact if I look back I'd rather still love the friends that I have had sex with as friends then watch it turn to shit after that interaction. That thingy, you know, how you start liking someone so much that sex is the only place it's gonna end up. Wouldn't it be nice if "You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle... and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt." was enough to last. "a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarette's, 5 bucks..." I recall taking short walks and sitting on street curbs and that was enough ya know, enough to just cherish whoever's company you would share it with. Those were the good times, memorable and such.

One other commonality I ponder about the two flicks mentioned as well is maturity. The title alone says it in one "Reality Bites", fuck yeah it does! On a personal level it states things that I've said before about your own illusions verses dun dun dun... the reality. I think maturity is directly related to reality. The concept of how much reality bites is a question of how mature according to societal standards you are. In both cases Troy and Rob aren't suited for reality, Rob however by powers that be chooses to change from suitable influence of his girlfriend. Laina even though she does make a lovely editted video is more likely to lean toward less maturity through troy's influence, which I might add is the happy ending that 90's movies are themed for.

Side note for all readers, good movies to see which I haven't discussed cause there like in french "Je Vais Bien Ne T'en Fais pas" and "Love Me If You Dare". Je Vais Bien Ne T'en Fais Pas has this killer track called Lili (U-turn) by Aaron in it which I didn't know. There I was watching it and smack dab in the middle of the movie there it was. Kick Ass! There's a good spanish movie too called Y Mu Mama Tambien. Till next time.

The absolute simplicity. That's what I love.....suddenly the light becomes sharper, the sounds are richer... you're filled with presence of life

Seven Years in Tibet (1997)

Dalai Lama: We have a saying in Tibet: If a problem can be solved there is no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, worrying will do no good.

Dalai Lama: Do you think someday people will get Tibet on their movie screens and wonder what happened to us?

Ngawang Jigme: Hello, my friend. We did what was best for our country, for Tibet.
Heinrich Harrer: On the way to Lhasa I would see Tibetans wearing those jackets. 'Chinese soldiers very nice. Give food, clothes and money. Very nice.' It's strange to me that something so harmless as a jacket can symbolize such a great lie.
Ngawang Jigme: After all these years you still don't understand our Tibetan ways. To return a gift is unforgivable.
Heinrich Harrer: A man who betrays his culture shouldn't preach about its customs. There was a time I would have wished you dead but your shame will be your torture and your torture will be your life. I wish it to be long.

Heinrich Harrer: In my humble opinion, this is ridiculous.
Peter Aufschnaiter: Well, then, since you're so humble, we won't ask your opinion.

Construction worker: In a past life this worm could have been your mother.

Dalai Lama: ...You can not ask a devout people to disregard a precious teaching.
Heinrich Harrer: Yes but Your Holiness, with due respect, erm, we can't possibly
[laughs]
Heinrich Harrer: I'm sorry, but we can't possibly save all the worms! Not if you want a theater in this lifetime.
Dalai Lama: You have a clever mind. Think of a solution. And in the meantime you can explain to me, what is an elevator.

Heinrich Harrer: In this place where time stands still it seems like everything is moving. Including me. I can't say I know where I'm going nor if my bad deeds can be purified. There are so many things I have done that I regret. But when I come to a full stop I hope you understand that the distance between us is not as great as it seems.

Heinrich Harrer: That's the Olympic gold medal. Not important.
Pema Lhaki: This is another great difference between our civilization and yours. You admire the man who pushes his way to the top in any walk of life, while we admire the man who abandons his ego.

Dalai Lama: I can't sleep. I'm afraid the dream might come back.
Heinrich Harrer: A couple of insomniacs.
Dalai Lama: Tell me a story, Heinrich. Tell me a story about climbing mountains.
Heinrich Harrer: That's one way to fall asleep. Those stories bore even me.
Dalai Lama: Then tell me what you love about it.
Heinrich Harrer: The absolute simplicity. That's what I love. When you're climbing your mind is clear and free from all confusions. You have focus. And suddenly the light becomes sharper, the sounds are richer and you're filled with the deep, powerful presence of life. I've only felt that one other time.
Dalai Lama: When?
Heinrich Harrer: In your presence, Kundun.

Heinrich Harrer: You have to leave. You have to leave Tibet, Kundun. Your life's at great risk. Forgive my presumption but I have made arrangements to get you out safely. We should leave directly after the enthronement, the Chinese won't expect it.
Dalai Lama: How can I help people if I run away from them? What kind of leader would I be? I have to stay here, Heinrich. Serving others is my path to deliberation.
Heinrich Harrer: Then I don't go either.
Dalai Lama: Why not?
Heinrich Harrer: Because you are my path to deliberation.
Dalai Lama: The Buddha said 'Salvation doesn't come from the sight of me. It demands strenuous effort and practise. So work hard and seek your own salvation constantly.' I am not your son. And I've never thought of you as my father. You've been much too informal to me for that. Do you ever think about him?
[Heinrich cries, nodding]
Dalai Lama: And what do you think about?
Heinrich Harrer: It's not a conscious thought really, Kundun. He is always there. When I crossed Tibet he was with me. When I came to Lhasa he was with me. When I sit beside you he is there with me. I can't even imagine how to picture the world without him in it.

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

Elan Sleazebaggano: You wanna buy some death sticks?
Obi-Wan: [using the Jedi mind trick] You don't want to sell me death sticks.
Elan Sleazebaggano: I don't want to sell you death sticks.
Obi-Wan: You want to go home and rethink your life.
Elan Sleazebaggano: I want to go home and rethink my life.

Yoda: Senator Amidala, your tragedy on the landing platform, terrible. Seeing you alive brings warm feelings to my heart.

Yoda: The council is confident in its decision, Obi-Wan.
Mace Windu: The boy has exceptional skills.
Obi-Wan: But he still has much to learn, Master. His abilities have made him... well arrogant.
Yoda: Yes. Yes. A flaw more and more common among Jedi. Too sure of themselves they are. Even the older, more experienced ones.

Yoda: Dangerous and disturbing this puzzle is. Only a Jedi could have erased those files. But who, and why, harder to answer. Meditate on this I will.

Yoda: Do not assume anything Obi-Wan. Clear your mind must be if you are to discover the real villains behind this plot.

Yoda: Mmm. Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing. How embarrassing.

Yoda: Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.

Obi-Wan: Why do I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me?
Anakin: Don't say that, master. You're the closest thing I have to a father.

Palpatine: You don't need guidance, Anakin. In time, you will learn to trust your feelings. Then, you will be invincible. I have said it many times, you are the most gifted Jedi I have ever met.
Anakin: Thank you, Your Excellency.
Palpatine: I see you becoming the greatest of all the Jedi, Anakin. Even more powerful than Master Yoda.

Obi-Wan: I have to admit that without the clones, it would have not been a victory.
Yoda: Victory? Victory you say? Master Obi-Wan, not victory. The shroud of the dark side has fallen. Begun the Clone War has.

Anakin: Don't be afraid.
Padme: I'm not afraid to die. I've been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.
Anakin: What are you talking about?
Padme: I love you.
Anakin: You love me? I thought we had decided not to fall in love. That we'd be forced to live a lie and that it would destroy our lives.
Padme: I think our lives are about to be destroyed anyway. I truly... deeply... love you and before we die I want you to know.

Anakin: From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm with you again... I'm in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- I can't breath. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating... hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me... what can I do?- I will do anything you ask.
[uncomfortable pause]
Anakin: ... if you are suffering as much as I am, PLEASE, tell me.

Yoda: Blind we are, of creation of this clone army we could not see.
Mace Windu: I think it is time we inform the senate that our ability to use the force has diminished.
Yoda: Only a Dark Lord of the Sith knows of our weakness. If informed the senate is, multiply our adversaries will.

Palpatine: Master Yoda. Do you really think it will come to war?
Yoda: The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is.

Yoda: Powerful you have become Dooku, the dark side I sense in you.
Count Dooku: I have become more powerful than any Jedi. Even you.
[Dooku shoots Sith lighting at Yoda who effortlessly deflects it away]
Yoda: Much to learn, you still have

Mace Windu: What is it?
Yoda: Pain, suffering, death I feel. Something terrible has happened. Young Skywalker is in pain. Terrible pain.


This is an indirect response to Nomadic Trojan's blog http://nomadictrojan.blogspot.com/2008/09/joys-of-life.html. In this blog there's reference to the Buddha and Zen Buddhism and I question how parallel our paths are cause I've been reading a lot of Zen Buddhism in the past 2 months. I've given up alcohol cause all it does is feed my ego and empower my less saviory emotions. In the passages I've embraced recently it has come to my attention that there is nothing that is unforgiveable, nothing in this whole wide world is unforgiveable. Furthermore there is only one thing you have control over... which is you and the way you react to things. What The Dali Lama teaches is living in the present and the only time that you should live in the past and future is in meditation and once your done meditating so should your thoughts or desires about the future or past. Many would say just think positively but the only way I've been able to harness that is by thinking life- people, places, things, words, places, situations are 10% of this life, 90% is how you react to it.

Yoda is a zen master. In the clone wars if you watch very intently you'll notice that yoda never is inside a situation, he's always on the outside as a third unbi-est party. He's always on the outside looking in, and he never says I, he says we cause he wants to be part of the greater good. My life has always been governed by my inability to control my own emotions. I haven't been able to separate my feelings from the real life that forever I've thought are directly related. Another book that I read called non-violent communication puts it into perspective as well. If when in a situation where your feeling attacked you say what the person is trying to convey back to them in a softer voice you'll see how the situation quickly becomes less tense. The point is to not be reactive. Stay centered in the present. These concepts ring true to me. Managing them and making them work without being in a constant state of meditation seems really tricky. But in general the duality of managing your own emotions when it comes to want, desire, and hope is not of a rational or reasonable realm. Emotions and feelings stir action all to often, the point is to not let them. Therefore you can choose to be happy instead of sad. Reason isn't a feeling, nor is logic, it's just something us humans like the ancient greeks are capable of. The duality is in the opposites of hemispheres in our brains. One example I can somewhat relate is control. You can't control others, I stand by this firmly, however you can control yourself. You can also find happiness and confidence in the fact that you are in control. That fact gives me strength regularly.

Happiness can be drawn from situations that make you feel happy but it can also be brought forth in basic gratitude for your life in times where sadness or doubt seems prevailent. Like a previous blog by the same author a couple months back intitled "Expect nothing and nothing can go wrong". This rings true in Zen Buddhism. Just cherish things and people for how they are in that moment, not how they could be, not in any thought to pre-dispose or countinuate whatever's being felt. "The absolute simplicity. That's what I love. When you're climbing your mind is clear and free from all confusions. You have focus. And suddenly the light becomes sharper, the sounds are richer and you're filled with the deep, powerful presence of life. I've only felt that one other time." For me that one other time is a series of other times when I knew not because I wanted to be in, but that the simplicity of being in anothers company made everything slow down to the point of freezing, and the beauty would grab my spirit inside my body with firm grasps on each side and shake it vigarously as to say this is what being truely alive is like. I wish for nothing more than to love and be loved. That simple truth is a constitution to live happy by without disappointment, ever. I give my love freely without expectation and if and when it returns I welcome it without too without expectation.