The Beauty In The Breakdown

Girl, Interrupted (1999)

Susanna: [narrating] Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.

Daisy: You're just jealous, Lisa... because I got better... because I was released... because I have a chance... at a life.
Lisa: They didn't release you 'cause you're better, Daisy, they just gave up. You call this a life, hmm? Taking Daddy's money, buying your dollies and your knick-knacks... and eatin' his fuckin' chicken, fattening up like a prize fuckin' heifer? You changed the scenery, but not the fucking situation - and the warden makes house calls. And everybody knows. Everybody knows. That he fucks you. What they don't know... is that you like it. Hmm? You like it.

Daisy: Which do you like better? Taking a dump alone or with Valerie watching?
Susanna: Alone.
Daisy: Everyone likes to be alone when it comes out. I like to be alone when it goes in. To me, the cafeteria is like being with twenty girls all at once taking a dump.
Lisa: That is fucked up, Daisy.

Susanna: I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.

Susanna: No one cares if you die, Lisa, because you're dead already. Your heart is cold. That's why you keep coming back here. You're not free. You need this place to feel alive. It's pathetic.

Susanna: [narrating] When you don't want to feel... death can seem like a dream. But, seeing death - really seeing it... makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous.

. Crumble: Susanna, four days ago... you chased a bottle of aspirin, with a bottle of vodka.
Susanna: I had a headache.

Susanna: Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them.

Lisa: If talking did shit, we'd be out of here by now.

Susanna: What the fuck are you doing Lisa?
Lisa: Playing the villain, baby, just like you want. I try to give you everything you want.
Susanna: No you don't.
Lisa: You wanted your file, I found you your file. You wanted out, I got you out. You needed *money*, *I* found you some. I'm fucking consistent-I told you the truth-I didn't write it down in a *fucking book*! I told you to your *face*. And I told Daisy to her face - what everybody knew and wouldn't say, and she killed herself. And I played the fucking villain, just like you wanted.
Susanna: Why would I want that?
Lisa: Because it makes you the good guy, sweet pea.

Susanna: [reading from a book] "Borderline Personality Disorder. An instability of self-image, relationships and mood... uncertain about goals, impulsive in activities that are self-damaging, such as casual sex."
Lisa: I like that.
Susanna: "Social contrariness and a generally pessimistic attitude are often observed."
[pauses]
Susanna: Well that's me.
Lisa: That's everybody.

I Heart Huckabees (2004)

Brad Stand: How am I not myself?
[repeated]

Tommy Corn: Ah, here he comes!
Albert Markovski: Oh, boy.
Tommy Corn: The man-poet who banged France's dark lady of philosophy. The parking lot crusader of truth... who turned his back on his other like a cold-blooded gangsta.

Dawn Campbell: I'm in my tree talking to the Dixie Chicks and they're making me feel better.

Albert Markovski: The interconnection thing is definitely for real.
Tommy Corn: It is! I didn't think it wasn't! It is!
Albert Markovski: I know, I can't believe it, it's so fantastic!
Tommy Corn: It's amazing!
Albert Markovski: I know.
Tommy Corn: But it's also nothing special.

Tommy Corn: How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?

Mrs. Hooten: Albert, what brought you to the philosophical club?
Albert Markovski: You mean the existential detectives?
Mr. Hooten: Sounds like a support group.
Cricket: Why can't he use the church?
Mrs. Hooten: Sometimes, people have additional questions to be answered.
Cricket: Like what?
Albert Markovski: Well, um, for instance: if the forms of this world die, which is more real, the me that dies or the me that's infinite? Can I trust my habitual mind, or do I need to learn to look beneath those things?

Bernard Jaffe: There is no remainder in the mathematics of infinity.

Albert Markovski: Everything is the same, even if it's different.

Albert Markovski: Brad, I've thought about chopping your head off with a machete many times.
Brad Stand: I've though about hacking you up with an axe Albert, and smashing your face in with a baseball bat.

Albert Markovski: Mother-fucking, cocksucker, mother-fucking, shit-fucker, what am I doing?
[Albert walks out from behind tree, towards camera. As he gets closer to the camera the scene comes into focus]
Albert Markovski: What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't than nothing in this world makes any sense to me; I'm fucked. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit. Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit. Just, I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore. Fucker. Fuck. Shit.
[Albert stops walking and begins speech about saving a piece of the marsh]

Albert Markovski: Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need.

Vivian Jaffe: Why don't you just tell me what your situation is?
Albert Markovski: Look, I'm not really sure I know exactly what you guys do around here, all right?
Vivian Jaffe: Well, we'll investigate and solve your case.
Albert Markovski: How?
Vivian Jaffe: If you start a contact we'll follow you.
Albert Markovski: You'll spy?
Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
Albert Markovski: On me?
Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
Albert Markovski: Will you be spying on me in the bathroom?
Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
Albert Markovski: In the bathroom?
Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
Albert Markovski: Why?
Vivian Jaffe: There's nothing too small. You know when police find the slightest piece of DNA and build a case on it? If we might see you floss or masturbate that could be the key till your entire reality.

Dawn Campbell: There's glass between us. You can't deal with my infinite nature can you?
Brad Stand: That is so not true. Wait, what does that even mean?

Caterine Vauban: The woods are hopeless. Don't waste your time, they will be destroyed. So will the marsh. It is a losing game mankind has played for more than a century. Sadness is what you are, do not deny it. The universe is a lonely place, a painful place. This is what we can share between us, period.

Albert Markovski: That fire was a bitch-ass thing to do!
Caterine Vauban: No, it liberated you from Brad.
Albert Markovski: Or maybe, it bonded me even closer with him.

Alrighty so lets take a look at madness for a moment. Let's look at it deeply and all fucked up like. Don't go turning away when the uglyiest of the ugly and most fucked up unconventional irrational out of control shit happens. It does happen. Often. Sometimes reality takes a sick twisted flip turn for the worst. That worst is out of control. But then again what the fuck is reality anyway. It's all in your head people. As u call me psycho... I embrace it. I do. Now it'll change, everything is subsequence to change. That thing as much as I hate it, like really fucking hate it is a thing that won't change. As I ponder these two films today I ponder how often I embrace the bad shit not the half full glass shit but no the half empty hardcore how fucked up can shit get tip. Do you feel me? Do you feel the need to play Lisa, to play or better yet be the asshole that instead of doing the right thing which is keeping patience, keeping everyone at ease, no you feel like doing the wrong thing. Pushing the situation, the scenario, the argument, the relationship, as far as it will go. How much is too much? I've always thought it's a good question. A seriously infectous disease that not to many people are up for. They just don't have the stomach for it, ya know? How outta control? Can I say something so fucked up to inspire you to hit me. What is the worst case fucking scenario? What are you gonna do when it gets to that point?

Like a sick twisted freak I wanna see the bottom of the hole I've dug myself. It's dark so I gotta get into the hole to see and if I can still dig, it ain't the bottom dear. Intensity! You gotta grasp it if your even trying. Can it get more intense? How? I gotta push it further, deeper, harder, rougher, like all that anxiety is a river of words that'll coast on and on through the horizon miles long. I gotta get louder and angrier with big wise words that boggle the mind. I gotta tap into those insecurities, yo kid tap the fuck into mine. Shits there to feel. I wanna feel it all, don't leave anything out. I want to feel the rapture of harsh reality and have it rebirth something in me and the intensity of fantasy. Do I sound crazy? I am. I am crazy but I'm also a smart motherfucker and a leader. I understand the difference in duality. I understand a great length what people should see, what they wanna see, and what I show them. I understand that fucking with people to create real climactic change is to break that shit down, bikity bam! Whose not crazy? Really? That's sounds boring. Life with out :
Acute Stress Disorder
Adjustment Disorder
Agoraphobia
Alcohol Addiction
Alzheimer's Disease
Amnestic Disorder
Anorexia Nervosa
Antisocial Personal Disorder
Anxiety Disorder NOS
Asperger's Syndrome
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Autism
Avoidant Personality Disorder
Binge Eating Disorder
Bipolar Disorder
Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Breathing-Related Sleep Disorder
Brief Psychotic Disorder
Bulimia Nervosa
Childhood Disintegrative Disorder
Childhood Disorder NOS
Childhood Eating Disorders
Cognitive Disorder NOS
Conduct Disorder
Conversion Disorder
Cyclothymic Disorder
Delerium
Delusional Disorder
Dementia
Dependent Personality Disorder
Depersonalization Disorder
Depression
Depressive Disorder NOS
Disruptive Behavior Disorder NOS
Dissociative Amnesia
Dissociative Disorder NOS
Dissociative Fugue
Dissociative Identity Disorder
Drug Addiction
Dyslexia
Dyssomnia NOS
Dysthymic Disorder
Factitious Disorder
Gambling Addiction
Gender Identity Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Huntington's Disease
Hypersomnia
Hypochondriasis
Impulse-Control Disorder NOS
Insomnia
Intermittent Explosive Disorder
Kleptomania
Learning Disorders
Malingering
Mental Retardation
Mixed-Receptive-Expressive Language Disorder
Munchausen by Proxy
Munchausen Syndrome
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcolepsy
Nightmare Disorder
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Pain Disorder
Panic Disorder
Paranoid Personality Disorder
Paraphilias
Parasomnia NOS
Parkinson's Disease
Personality Disorder NOS
Pervasive Developmental Disorder NOS
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Postpartum Depression
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder
Primary Sleep Disorders
Pyromania
Reactive Attachment Disorder
Rett's Disorder

That's a lengthy list. Just cause I was curious, as cited from the Columbia University Mental Health Journal the average human suffers from at least 4 mental illnesses in their lifetime and most cycle these illnesses without medical treatment. Intresting right? I think it's intresting cause it's really a sales pitch for psychologists. I ponder if they are illness. Technically most of this shit is just unacceptable by a group of people who sit around and talk about unacceptable shit. Fuck them! You know. Live my life. Have some of this bad shit, ok? take it store in your head for a bit. Realize it happened and it ain't no fantasy and sit there and tell me how to deal with it or tell me how I should deal with it. Fuck you! Let me say it again. Fuck you. I'm still here liven and it's good.... sometimes, sometimes... it ain't so good, and sometimes it'll get so bad I'll curse the heavens. But that's the life we live. Me personally if I can accept all that this life tosses up at me, I'll always be here. Typety type typing and feeling and thinking, often challenging, confronting, and making noise. I think when you love something or someone you voice it and show it. On this little dark run I'm having, I'm finding I feel the same way about things I hate. And often it's feelings and thoughts in me. Now I could keep that shit to myself, but the more I do that, the more I find my perspective of this life, my environment, and the people are turning into something not real. And lately everytime that happens it's like I'm bucking the system. Like make the reality, reality again. It's hard to explain.

I'll do it better if I had a movie or two. Girl, interupted for instance. They fight the system. The whole time. Constant confrontation of girls her are classified as unhealthy. And while they are inside bombarded with the pre-requisite of becoming better. Essentially this prospect on the psychological level is all about 2 things. The rest can go fuck itself. A- Are you a threat to yourself? B- Are you a threat to others? If the answer is no to both those questions no one cares anymore how outta control you get. Go fucking nuts! I got some issues with the term "unacceptable". If u ain't willing to accept it, sucks for you, I'm still alive and this is my reality or surreality. For the rational "sain" person reading this. It's easy to percieve life and reality as being a certain way. You wake up in the morning, you do your thing, you interact with others, and shit keeps moving moving moving. Now step away from that seeing is believing bullshit for a sec. Step back look at the bigger picture. Watch how these people move their eyes, watch the history of everything that came before, stop, wait, and listen, put everything together into a big multi-layered 3 dimensional thinga ma bob for how this world is put together. Ask yourself what would it take to knock that presumed reality off it's ass. If people aren't in any common god fearing neighbor respecting existance I fear each person is a tool to be used in one way or another.

The thing I like about I heart Huckabees is cause there is so much madness in the film and it's all madness about how each character exists in his or her own reality. Minus Dustin and Lily and Catherine who act as guides or moderators. Instead of saying that these characters are in fact mentally ill, and it's blatant how many of the mental illnesses from the above list warp them but instead of attacking the situation with more "acceptable" methods they go through this guantlet of understanding their infinite nature. I believe that breaks the cycle. Not essentially breaking the cycle but knowing it exists, knowing the infinite nature of yourself. Knowing what things or situations or instances are in fact you. The things you want and are. Your nature not only in the craziest of the crazy but in general. If it's in general you could quickly limit any negative or positive elements to better suit you as a being. You could start easily weeding out the good and bad for you cause not only do you know what your capable of but you know what is and always has been part of you. It's called existentialism. When your infinite nature is not just this earthly body but you exist in everything and everything exists in you. We're all made of the same stuff so it ain't that hard to believe. But if you can't see the layers of how it exists in you and the rest of it. It's just straight up madness. So call me a psycho, call yourselves one to, cause full understanding ain't no easy task and you gotta test all the layers and levels before your there.